I don't know what I'm saying

I can't seem to speak coherently right now. My thoughts are quite scattered.

Well, I've disappointed more people than I can take note of this week, myself included. I don't know why I don't care anymore. Motivation has ceased to exist, somehow. I'm sort of that coward you mentioned. I've accustomed myself to running from my problems, and now I can't face them properly and resolve the issues I've dug myself into.. yet again. It's consistent. I've set myself up for failure. I honestly don't want to associate with myself anymore. Though, that in itself would be impossible without a means to escape my own person. I'm at a lost as to where to go from here.

I have no direction. I haven't talked to God in a long time. I don't pray. I'm incredibly faithless and undevoted and I can't trust. Well, I'm illogically cynical towards everyone too. I don't remember the last time I went to church on Sunday. Do I feel empty without people? Do I feel empty without God? It feels so wrong to think like this, but these are the things that keep me awake. Always. I don't know if I believe in anything. Psychologically, they say that religion is supposed to be that moral backbone, that sense of support and that sense of principles. But believing nothing is believing something all the same. I don't know if I'm a happier person because of it. No, I don't think so. I guess I can't make sense of what I believe to be true. There is no truth except for having faith, that will to know when, in reality, you don't know. My faith is short-lived, ephemeral, quick to fade. Yet, I'm having an incredibly difficult time trying to let go of the things I may or may not believe in. I don't know why. The need for something to explain something I can't explain. Desperation for reason and for the assertion that things don't just end here. Longing for some purpose that I've lost sight of. Want to believe, but do I? Even now, I can't answer that for myself. I fear my own truths.

It's all the same with people. I don't understand people. I'm not entirely comfortable with people. That is why a lot of my relationships are like the frazzled ends of a cord. The more I leave them untended, the more they uncoil and eventually fall apart. Acquaintances, knowing people. It's rarely ever more than a hello, and I'm lucky if it's even that. I don't know people beyond a few words and a few conversations. They don't know me beyond knowing I'm just an idiot who doesn't know who she is. The end. I'm not sure if I can live with knowing that I don't put in more than a half-hearted effort trying to know people. I guess, on some levels, I've let go of trying to connect.

Lonely is just something you get used to. Fickle. I can't seem to not hurt people. So there. As long as I'm not stepping on other people's toes, I'm okay with that.

Well, expectations seem to end precisely in the moment. It's strange trying to think beyond just now. To me, there's little to expect other than bleak days following this one and the next.

Sorry. I've been verbalizing my complaints all too often. Realize, I'm just plain annoying sometimes. Out of place. I'll just shut up now.

I can't stand myself. what am I doing. where am I going. why. I don't know. That's my only answer. I just don't know.

what the hell are you doing, self?

reasons lost. the end.