What it is, to feel as though you can't be trusted.
I have no desire to live like this anymore.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
It's not just the rain tonight
Can't help, now, but to wonder what it's like to lose everything in a moment. Everything, if everything means anything at all. That is, to forget how to live, to forget how to love. Even if, we've neither lived nor loved. Or, perhaps, lose that already faint potential of knowing either, that hope and its reason for doubt. It's never more than an uncertainty and an insecurity. What is it, then, to quit breathing or to cease existing? Maybe it's heaven. Or maybe we're too hopelessly hopeful. Maybe, then, it's still hell.
To become nothing. I don't know if eternal peace is defined within the realm of my own truths. Granted, it's something we want to believe, but I don't know if I can. Not right now. I suppose, we can't have faith unless truth is embraced, amidst knowing that truth doesn't exist. At least, not here.
Sometimes, sleep and dreams feel like that emptiness, though still a realization of fears and desires. It's a strange thought. I've dreamed of life slipping away, a peculiar feeling like falling asleep and waking up. Dreams, perhaps, are not calming or happy or fulfilling, so to speak, but right now reality's not any better. I know, things could be worse. Things can always be worse, but somehow, that doesn't teach me to love living any more.
Living, living, living.. troubled by living. Perhaps, life is merely a reprieve from nothingness. In that case, nothingness imbued with the capacity to feel, to suffer, and to sin. Unknowing, though, and directionless. Of course, we're given no promises beyond doubt. Is it terrible and cowardly and selfish, then, to long for an escape so often that minutes and hours and days waste away to nothing but senseless thoughts and expectations?
Everything's so uncertain, once we've got no where to go. Walking aimlessly and thinking devilish thoughts and wanting to run from all this trouble you've conjured for yourself. Wanting to run from yourself. But still, to continue on. Well, I don't know if I'm willing anymore. Oh, it's so simple a thing to do.. to simply give up.
To become nothing. I don't know if eternal peace is defined within the realm of my own truths. Granted, it's something we want to believe, but I don't know if I can. Not right now. I suppose, we can't have faith unless truth is embraced, amidst knowing that truth doesn't exist. At least, not here.
Sometimes, sleep and dreams feel like that emptiness, though still a realization of fears and desires. It's a strange thought. I've dreamed of life slipping away, a peculiar feeling like falling asleep and waking up. Dreams, perhaps, are not calming or happy or fulfilling, so to speak, but right now reality's not any better. I know, things could be worse. Things can always be worse, but somehow, that doesn't teach me to love living any more.
Living, living, living.. troubled by living. Perhaps, life is merely a reprieve from nothingness. In that case, nothingness imbued with the capacity to feel, to suffer, and to sin. Unknowing, though, and directionless. Of course, we're given no promises beyond doubt. Is it terrible and cowardly and selfish, then, to long for an escape so often that minutes and hours and days waste away to nothing but senseless thoughts and expectations?
Everything's so uncertain, once we've got no where to go. Walking aimlessly and thinking devilish thoughts and wanting to run from all this trouble you've conjured for yourself. Wanting to run from yourself. But still, to continue on. Well, I don't know if I'm willing anymore. Oh, it's so simple a thing to do.. to simply give up.
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