I don't want to leave the damn house right now. to hell with my incompetence. just don't trust me anymore. Can't be trusted to do a damn thing right anyway. Not needed. Nor do I need myself. I don't think he's insane, running away to Alaska sounds more than wonderful right now. But no. I have to spend two days with people, around people and an hour with the father I hardly talk to. no, I don't have a father, whatever the hell that is. god was my father. but screw that now. father is just an aquaintance I have no emotional obligation for whatsoever and taken in the reciprocal sense. I'm going to damn regret saying that, but I don't care. I just want freaking time alone. I wholeheartedly regret now ever deciding on going. Just want to.. lock myself away, listen to my thoughts for hours, torment myself with my thoughts for hours.. I don't care. I just don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to people, I can't seem to freaking care about people. Not now. because I'm stupid. but I just really don't care about life the way I'm living it and screwing it up.

everything washes down the drain right about now. I used to depend on school for stability. I used to depend on music for stability. People, friends, family, god. Just a wreck now and hardly more than that. I'm useless.

somebody scream at me. throw me into a river. rattle my damn senses. I don't care.