No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Friday, October 30, 2009
Only the cat comes when it's called
I'm frustrated with myself. How, we're so separated and so distanced. I don't know. When things used to be fine, there wouldn't be these awkward silences. Maybe it's because I grew distanced for a while and, now, it's just not the same. There are things I can't promise. Things that seem to define what friendship is. I can't assure that I'll ever be able to lift your spirits when you feel you're falling apart. I can't offer positive thoughts without sounding insincere. Laughter is the closest distance between two people? I'm not inclined to smile and laugh either. I guess it's this. I've been asked, why don't all the lonely people just come together? We want to be alone? We're used to being alone? We push people away? We're just too oblivious to it all to realize there's a solution? Maybe. Or it's just that lonely and lonely don't mesh and only spawn more of that emptiness. I want to say that I don't care. I'd like to let go and say it's better that way. In reality, it is. It just is. I'm brimming with empty feeling, empty emotion, and I seem no longer to really hear, at all. Being that way, I'm better off alone. That's right. Don't waste your time trying to talk to me. Eventually, it'll all disintegrate to nothing anyway.
Well, it's still the same. Music is the only thing that's holding me together. Just about the only thing. It's hard to get up in the morning. It's difficult to fall asleep. It's disheartening enough just to try to get through the day. Here's my problem. I've lost sense of reason. When can I or, rather, will I start caring again?
Well, it's still the same. Music is the only thing that's holding me together. Just about the only thing. It's hard to get up in the morning. It's difficult to fall asleep. It's disheartening enough just to try to get through the day. Here's my problem. I've lost sense of reason. When can I or, rather, will I start caring again?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thoughts
Unsure and uncertain, and just about everything in between.
Prayers. I don't think I know how to pray. My second grade teacher always told me, "People who haven't accepted Jesus into their hearts can't connect with Him. They cannot experience His grace. There's a block wall separating them from God." That's what I see when I pray. A concrete, block wall and me and my sins isolated from whatever else exists. Some time before, I felt something else, as though my words had some sort of destination. As though I trusted my words into this darkness, and this darkness would swallow the whole of my burdens. It's different now. My faith is wavering, and I still don't know what I believe.
I've called myself Christian, but it's something I can't define. All these denominations. Church of God. Baptist. Presbyterian. Methodist. Lutheran. Brethren. I've been told a Christian is simply, "Just like everyone else, only that he has accepted God and has asked Him to cleanse him of his sins." But labeling is dangerous, because we've made it so. I guess I'm afraid to call myself a Christian, because I don't know what that term itself entails. Or rather, how it's defined in other minds. Can I say that following God is the belief in love? Loving God, loving yourself, and loving others. Or are there limits and conditions? Can anything really clash with love when that's your only policy? The specifics. There's things I disagree with. Romans 1:26-27. I don't think God meant it for us to condemn homosexuality. Love is love, all the same. It's one of the things that's made me question labeling. I don't want to label myself as Christian if Christian means not everyone is to be loved in the same way. It's also the interpretation of the Bible. People have tried to use verses to dislodge Christian values, same as Christians have used verses to defend personal values and cases (oddly, I'm reminded of that one case that used "WWJD" as the value criterion, but that's irrelevant, though amusing for sure). I guess these verses need to be read in light of other verses. Which is why I think love is the umbrella concept for Christianity. For all the things that fall underneath it, love must be prioritized as the value preached and practiced.
Anyway, to some extent, labeling is just our way of putting a name to things. Putting a name to our beliefs and nothing more. On that note, I don't believe labeling is significant or necessary. I simply won't label myself with the specifics, because I'm not entirely sure what I believe.
On to other things. This week. Agitated. You know, I still can't believe him. That he'd have the audacity to shake his head that morning, "His career's ruined." I didn't know Mr. O personally, was never taught by him, but I refuse to believe that empty statement of "his career's ruined." I have a list of words. It's titled "words that I can't use without sounding cliche or meaningless." Passion is on that list. Yet, this may be the situation where passion has an exception. He is passionate and there is passion for all the things he does.. and so little to stop it. We will get through this. I only hope opinion and impression won't change simply because of all the unfounded rumors and assumptions. We don't know anything. No more speculation, please please please. Pray he's back. Soon. School just doesn't seem the same. Empty, some way or another.
Worry takes root in being uncertain. It's difficult to ward off uncertainty when you don't even know what you're uncertain about. It's just about the same concept as trying to "be yourself" when you don't know what self is.
Baroque music is just about the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I listen to it every night. Yes.
Prayers. I don't think I know how to pray. My second grade teacher always told me, "People who haven't accepted Jesus into their hearts can't connect with Him. They cannot experience His grace. There's a block wall separating them from God." That's what I see when I pray. A concrete, block wall and me and my sins isolated from whatever else exists. Some time before, I felt something else, as though my words had some sort of destination. As though I trusted my words into this darkness, and this darkness would swallow the whole of my burdens. It's different now. My faith is wavering, and I still don't know what I believe.
I've called myself Christian, but it's something I can't define. All these denominations. Church of God. Baptist. Presbyterian. Methodist. Lutheran. Brethren. I've been told a Christian is simply, "Just like everyone else, only that he has accepted God and has asked Him to cleanse him of his sins." But labeling is dangerous, because we've made it so. I guess I'm afraid to call myself a Christian, because I don't know what that term itself entails. Or rather, how it's defined in other minds. Can I say that following God is the belief in love? Loving God, loving yourself, and loving others. Or are there limits and conditions? Can anything really clash with love when that's your only policy? The specifics. There's things I disagree with. Romans 1:26-27. I don't think God meant it for us to condemn homosexuality. Love is love, all the same. It's one of the things that's made me question labeling. I don't want to label myself as Christian if Christian means not everyone is to be loved in the same way. It's also the interpretation of the Bible. People have tried to use verses to dislodge Christian values, same as Christians have used verses to defend personal values and cases (oddly, I'm reminded of that one case that used "WWJD" as the value criterion, but that's irrelevant, though amusing for sure). I guess these verses need to be read in light of other verses. Which is why I think love is the umbrella concept for Christianity. For all the things that fall underneath it, love must be prioritized as the value preached and practiced.
Anyway, to some extent, labeling is just our way of putting a name to things. Putting a name to our beliefs and nothing more. On that note, I don't believe labeling is significant or necessary. I simply won't label myself with the specifics, because I'm not entirely sure what I believe.
On to other things. This week. Agitated. You know, I still can't believe him. That he'd have the audacity to shake his head that morning, "His career's ruined." I didn't know Mr. O personally, was never taught by him, but I refuse to believe that empty statement of "his career's ruined." I have a list of words. It's titled "words that I can't use without sounding cliche or meaningless." Passion is on that list. Yet, this may be the situation where passion has an exception. He is passionate and there is passion for all the things he does.. and so little to stop it. We will get through this. I only hope opinion and impression won't change simply because of all the unfounded rumors and assumptions. We don't know anything. No more speculation, please please please. Pray he's back. Soon. School just doesn't seem the same. Empty, some way or another.
Worry takes root in being uncertain. It's difficult to ward off uncertainty when you don't even know what you're uncertain about. It's just about the same concept as trying to "be yourself" when you don't know what self is.
Baroque music is just about the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I listen to it every night. Yes.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Nothing Significant
Haven't anything important to say nowadays. Nothing to say, for that matter.
I've figured that no matter how much I sleep, I still feel tired. Two hours, ten. Doesn't matter. Maybe it's just the optimism concept. Or not. Or my personality is just boring. Which I thoroughly believe it is. I don't have that honed skill for irony or humor. I bore myself sometimes. Most of the time. But, that's besides the point.
I don't feel very inclined towards connecting with people. Or maybe it's the other way around. Then again, the silence does become deafening when you've listened to it too often.
Useless and uncertain, two words to describe situations. More and more, I'm finding the need to be something, someone. So that, if someone arbitrarily decides to murder me, he cannot claim: inherently false accusations, you can't take the life of a girl who's never lived! Of course, a single existence can never mean so much to the world as it does to, say, the people themselves. The world.. progresses? No, that's not the right word. Regresses.. It just moves on. One person won't ever mean so much to the world, collectively, to keep time at a stand still. And, of course, this couldn't happen. Otherwise, reality itself would be torn to shambles.
Anyhow, I've thought about it some today. The world wouldn't notice if I, somehow, ceased to exist. And I guess it wouldn't matter. Simple enough, though, it just kills me to live without having this living mean anything. I'm just going through the motions. And for that reason, I am so very selfish.
As a reason for that reason, I need people in my life. Not just people to depend on, but people to depend on me. I guess that in itself is selfish. Yet, I can't keep fearing people. I don't want to keep fearing people. And, so, all the more reason to keep training Bear.. and looking for opportunities to invest my time in. Because, I think, sleep is a small compromise for making my time mean something.
Well, I feel very much at the edge of my patience. No particular reason other than myself. Is it right that a Christian has chanced upon more temples, housing idols and statues and the like, than doors of the church? I am going to the temple. So I can tell of all my troubles to the monks' dog and cat. Well, not really.
I've figured that no matter how much I sleep, I still feel tired. Two hours, ten. Doesn't matter. Maybe it's just the optimism concept. Or not. Or my personality is just boring. Which I thoroughly believe it is. I don't have that honed skill for irony or humor. I bore myself sometimes. Most of the time. But, that's besides the point.
I don't feel very inclined towards connecting with people. Or maybe it's the other way around. Then again, the silence does become deafening when you've listened to it too often.
Useless and uncertain, two words to describe situations. More and more, I'm finding the need to be something, someone. So that, if someone arbitrarily decides to murder me, he cannot claim: inherently false accusations, you can't take the life of a girl who's never lived! Of course, a single existence can never mean so much to the world as it does to, say, the people themselves. The world.. progresses? No, that's not the right word. Regresses.. It just moves on. One person won't ever mean so much to the world, collectively, to keep time at a stand still. And, of course, this couldn't happen. Otherwise, reality itself would be torn to shambles.
Anyhow, I've thought about it some today. The world wouldn't notice if I, somehow, ceased to exist. And I guess it wouldn't matter. Simple enough, though, it just kills me to live without having this living mean anything. I'm just going through the motions. And for that reason, I am so very selfish.
As a reason for that reason, I need people in my life. Not just people to depend on, but people to depend on me. I guess that in itself is selfish. Yet, I can't keep fearing people. I don't want to keep fearing people. And, so, all the more reason to keep training Bear.. and looking for opportunities to invest my time in. Because, I think, sleep is a small compromise for making my time mean something.
Well, I feel very much at the edge of my patience. No particular reason other than myself. Is it right that a Christian has chanced upon more temples, housing idols and statues and the like, than doors of the church? I am going to the temple. So I can tell of all my troubles to the monks' dog and cat. Well, not really.
Friday, October 2, 2009
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