Thoughts

Unsure and uncertain, and just about everything in between.

Prayers. I don't think I know how to pray. My second grade teacher always told me, "People who haven't accepted Jesus into their hearts can't connect with Him. They cannot experience His grace. There's a block wall separating them from God." That's what I see when I pray. A concrete, block wall and me and my sins isolated from whatever else exists. Some time before, I felt something else, as though my words had some sort of destination. As though I trusted my words into this darkness, and this darkness would swallow the whole of my burdens. It's different now. My faith is wavering, and I still don't know what I believe.

I've called myself Christian, but it's something I can't define. All these denominations. Church of God. Baptist. Presbyterian. Methodist. Lutheran. Brethren. I've been told a Christian is simply, "Just like everyone else, only that he has accepted God and has asked Him to cleanse him of his sins." But labeling is dangerous, because we've made it so. I guess I'm afraid to call myself a Christian, because I don't know what that term itself entails. Or rather, how it's defined in other minds. Can I say that following God is the belief in love? Loving God, loving yourself, and loving others. Or are there limits and conditions? Can anything really clash with love when that's your only policy? The specifics. There's things I disagree with. Romans 1:26-27. I don't think God meant it for us to condemn homosexuality. Love is love, all the same. It's one of the things that's made me question labeling. I don't want to label myself as Christian if Christian means not everyone is to be loved in the same way. It's also the interpretation of the Bible. People have tried to use verses to dislodge Christian values, same as Christians have used verses to defend personal values and cases (oddly, I'm reminded of that one case that used "WWJD" as the value criterion, but that's irrelevant, though amusing for sure). I guess these verses need to be read in light of other verses. Which is why I think love is the umbrella concept for Christianity. For all the things that fall underneath it, love must be prioritized as the value preached and practiced.

Anyway, to some extent, labeling is just our way of putting a name to things. Putting a name to our beliefs and nothing more. On that note, I don't believe labeling is significant or necessary. I simply won't label myself with the specifics, because I'm not entirely sure what I believe.

On to other things. This week. Agitated. You know, I still can't believe him. That he'd have the audacity to shake his head that morning, "His career's ruined." I didn't know Mr. O personally, was never taught by him, but I refuse to believe that empty statement of "his career's ruined." I have a list of words. It's titled "words that I can't use without sounding cliche or meaningless." Passion is on that list. Yet, this may be the situation where passion has an exception. He is passionate and there is passion for all the things he does.. and so little to stop it. We will get through this. I only hope opinion and impression won't change simply because of all the unfounded rumors and assumptions. We don't know anything. No more speculation, please please please. Pray he's back. Soon. School just doesn't seem the same. Empty, some way or another.

Worry takes root in being uncertain. It's difficult to ward off uncertainty when you don't even know what you're uncertain about. It's just about the same concept as trying to "be yourself" when you don't know what self is.

Baroque music is just about the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I listen to it every night. Yes.