Instability

I've lost it. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm predisposed to worrying. I can't calm down. I'm remembering things, and it's tearing me apart. I honestly want to believe these problems are only fleeting issues, only things that come and go. But that's never the case. It's so difficult to tolerate everything as it is. Laughter is mirthless and living is hell.

I'm so tired of myself. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not being able to anchor myself down. I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of not knowing what to do. I'm tired of instability. Tell me again, things could be worse. Things can be worse. Things will get worse. Those momentary highs are only an illusion. And thus, I am lost. I've lost what I probably never had. Hope is scoffed at. Tension is the only means of connecting, of perhaps knowing people. I don't know where to go from here.

I have no way with words. My silence.. is my means of garnering whatever peace there is to be had, but it's killing me all the same. What do you tell somebody who says they want to die? What are they willing to hear? Sincerity, it seems, has so little weight on these issues. Tell them you care, sure. Tell them they'll get through it, sure. Convincing somebody to believe you is a creature of a completely different sort. It's just, when you don't know what to believe anymore, everything is a lie. More or less because of this, we're empty again.

Optimism without intention. I'm deceived.

I don't know how or why I've come to care so much about you, share my concerns with you, strive to know you. Worry sick about you all the same. I told myself I wouldn't. I told myself I'd stray from people, elude the possibility of really knowing anyone beyond the mere level of an acquaintance. Perhaps I'm selfish in this sense. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone else. Yet, it seems I already have. I don't know.. the chances I'm willing to take, when I've come to regard a friend as a family member. At this point, I don't know whether I'm willing, even, to trust myself with other people. This week, in more ways than one, I have already proved myself weak in that sense. You deserve better.