Just give up

Just give up on me; your efforts are better expended elsewhere.

I CAN'T do this anymore. No. I'm sick of thinking of unthinkable things. But where do I go from here? You have to admit, at some point, there's no reason, no purpose, no direction, no desire. I thought I'd had it together for a while, but that temporary reprieve is gone. God, now that I think of it, I have no reason to be here. Absolutely none.
I may be an idiot for acting and thinking so irrationally at the moment, but who cares?
I'm useless. And there's far too much irony in this all.

Well, I'm a quitter. Very much so.
I would be disappointed, had it been a while back. I don't know. But now, I can't even seem to care. I don't know if I can, at this point. I don't care about myself, where I am, where I'm headed. I have no where to go. And it's too late, anyway. I always realize too late..

And you.
Nor do I care about you.
Wasted my time.
Wasted my energy.
Wasted my patience.
Worrying over nothing.
Yes, keep telling me you'll always be there.
Keep saying you'll care about me regardless of what I tell you. I honestly don't care and I'd rather you stay away. As far away as possible.
I don't have the capacity to care about anyone the way they do about me.

I don't have the capacity for love or for compassion or for friendship.
I don't have the capacity to 'feel close.'
I might question whether I'd even want to.
Love, compassion, friendship,
I'm sick of those words.

I'm sick of my siblings inviting their friends over every single day of the week. I'm sick of them leaving the house to hang out every single day of the week. I'm sick of them staying home. I'm sick of staying home. I'm sick of staring at blank sheets of paper. I'm sick of staring at words. I'm sick of not being able to be content like I used to be. I'm sick of trying to enjoy life the way I used to. I know I don't and I'm not sure if I'm capable of reliving what I used to live.

I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't want to wake up.
Every morning now.
I don't say good morning. Not anymore.
I don't try to smile as you told me.
I don't pray.
I don't think of the good things.

I mentally swear at myself.
And I tell myself not to let things get any worse than they already are.

Half of the time, that works.
Half of the time, it doesn't.

The dreams are dead.
I'm sorry mom,
But the dreams are dead.
You gave me control of things and
I let them fall apart.
Things fall apart.
College, steady job,
that longed for stability and
happiness.
Everything I gave up,
childhood,
everything that you gave up,
is useless.

And father, what have I proved to you?
Yeye, I guess I've proved your point.
I'm a useless leech.
I'm a useless girl.
What was it you called it,
A loss, more or less.
I'm a net loss.

I wish I knew no one. I'm so tired, I hate being around people. They're disillusioned. They're so confused about who I am. They think I'm still worth it. I hate being compared. I hate being used as an example. I hate being praised. I hate being complimented. They don't understand the hell of a mess I've become.

And, well, it's not a cry for help. I'm beyond help at this point.

Hell can strangle the life out of me. Heaven can laugh.
Does any of it matter?