Just give up

Just give up on me; your efforts are better expended elsewhere.

I CAN'T do this anymore. No. I'm sick of thinking of unthinkable things. But where do I go from here? You have to admit, at some point, there's no reason, no purpose, no direction, no desire. I thought I'd had it together for a while, but that temporary reprieve is gone. God, now that I think of it, I have no reason to be here. Absolutely none.
I may be an idiot for acting and thinking so irrationally at the moment, but who cares?
I'm useless. And there's far too much irony in this all.

Well, I'm a quitter. Very much so.
I would be disappointed, had it been a while back. I don't know. But now, I can't even seem to care. I don't know if I can, at this point. I don't care about myself, where I am, where I'm headed. I have no where to go. And it's too late, anyway. I always realize too late..

And you.
Nor do I care about you.
Wasted my time.
Wasted my energy.
Wasted my patience.
Worrying over nothing.
Yes, keep telling me you'll always be there.
Keep saying you'll care about me regardless of what I tell you. I honestly don't care and I'd rather you stay away. As far away as possible.
I don't have the capacity to care about anyone the way they do about me.

I don't have the capacity for love or for compassion or for friendship.
I don't have the capacity to 'feel close.'
I might question whether I'd even want to.
Love, compassion, friendship,
I'm sick of those words.

I'm sick of my siblings inviting their friends over every single day of the week. I'm sick of them leaving the house to hang out every single day of the week. I'm sick of them staying home. I'm sick of staying home. I'm sick of staring at blank sheets of paper. I'm sick of staring at words. I'm sick of not being able to be content like I used to be. I'm sick of trying to enjoy life the way I used to. I know I don't and I'm not sure if I'm capable of reliving what I used to live.

I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't want to wake up.
Every morning now.
I don't say good morning. Not anymore.
I don't try to smile as you told me.
I don't pray.
I don't think of the good things.

I mentally swear at myself.
And I tell myself not to let things get any worse than they already are.

Half of the time, that works.
Half of the time, it doesn't.

The dreams are dead.
I'm sorry mom,
But the dreams are dead.
You gave me control of things and
I let them fall apart.
Things fall apart.
College, steady job,
that longed for stability and
happiness.
Everything I gave up,
childhood,
everything that you gave up,
is useless.

And father, what have I proved to you?
Yeye, I guess I've proved your point.
I'm a useless leech.
I'm a useless girl.
What was it you called it,
A loss, more or less.
I'm a net loss.

I wish I knew no one. I'm so tired, I hate being around people. They're disillusioned. They're so confused about who I am. They think I'm still worth it. I hate being compared. I hate being used as an example. I hate being praised. I hate being complimented. They don't understand the hell of a mess I've become.

And, well, it's not a cry for help. I'm beyond help at this point.

Hell can strangle the life out of me. Heaven can laugh.
Does any of it matter?

Gone

Of the two choices provided, I wouldn't mind the latter. I honestly wouldn't..

Instability

I've lost it. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm predisposed to worrying. I can't calm down. I'm remembering things, and it's tearing me apart. I honestly want to believe these problems are only fleeting issues, only things that come and go. But that's never the case. It's so difficult to tolerate everything as it is. Laughter is mirthless and living is hell.

I'm so tired of myself. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not being able to anchor myself down. I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of not knowing what to do. I'm tired of instability. Tell me again, things could be worse. Things can be worse. Things will get worse. Those momentary highs are only an illusion. And thus, I am lost. I've lost what I probably never had. Hope is scoffed at. Tension is the only means of connecting, of perhaps knowing people. I don't know where to go from here.

I have no way with words. My silence.. is my means of garnering whatever peace there is to be had, but it's killing me all the same. What do you tell somebody who says they want to die? What are they willing to hear? Sincerity, it seems, has so little weight on these issues. Tell them you care, sure. Tell them they'll get through it, sure. Convincing somebody to believe you is a creature of a completely different sort. It's just, when you don't know what to believe anymore, everything is a lie. More or less because of this, we're empty again.

Optimism without intention. I'm deceived.

I don't know how or why I've come to care so much about you, share my concerns with you, strive to know you. Worry sick about you all the same. I told myself I wouldn't. I told myself I'd stray from people, elude the possibility of really knowing anyone beyond the mere level of an acquaintance. Perhaps I'm selfish in this sense. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone else. Yet, it seems I already have. I don't know.. the chances I'm willing to take, when I've come to regard a friend as a family member. At this point, I don't know whether I'm willing, even, to trust myself with other people. This week, in more ways than one, I have already proved myself weak in that sense. You deserve better.

I don't want to leave the damn house right now. to hell with my incompetence. just don't trust me anymore. Can't be trusted to do a damn thing right anyway. Not needed. Nor do I need myself. I don't think he's insane, running away to Alaska sounds more than wonderful right now. But no. I have to spend two days with people, around people and an hour with the father I hardly talk to. no, I don't have a father, whatever the hell that is. god was my father. but screw that now. father is just an aquaintance I have no emotional obligation for whatsoever and taken in the reciprocal sense. I'm going to damn regret saying that, but I don't care. I just want freaking time alone. I wholeheartedly regret now ever deciding on going. Just want to.. lock myself away, listen to my thoughts for hours, torment myself with my thoughts for hours.. I don't care. I just don't want to see people, I don't want to talk to people, I can't seem to freaking care about people. Not now. because I'm stupid. but I just really don't care about life the way I'm living it and screwing it up.

everything washes down the drain right about now. I used to depend on school for stability. I used to depend on music for stability. People, friends, family, god. Just a wreck now and hardly more than that. I'm useless.

somebody scream at me. throw me into a river. rattle my damn senses. I don't care.