Rather coincidental the sky decided to bear another mask today. As if we decided to push time back a year. Or perhaps I was just imagining things. Dark days.. that have since more than vividly embedded themselves into the recesses of my mind.. it's all coming back.
It'd be unnecessary now to say, "Time flies." Of course, "time flies" is reserved.. for nostalgic recollections.. or when I run out of things to say. I don't know. Yes, they say time flies when you're having fun. It still does every second a human being is alive. What is time, anyway? Perhaps.. a mere measurement, a number. Can time exist once people cease to? Can life be measured by time? Who is to say.. that any of my seconds or my days behold any real meaning.. beyond just a numerical value? Time.. still wastes away even as you're alive but not living.
Well, I wish I could.. not project my troubles onto other people. There's more bothering me than just that surface of what I'm willing to say. I'm sorry I can't pretend. Sorry that I can't just laugh it off. Sorry that I can't fool myself into thinking that situations are better.. that I'm moving forward when I'm really moving back.
It's hard to laugh and smile. And harder when I think about it later. But I suppose that's what's expected. Don't go killing the mood, no. I suppose it is best to do anything.. as long as I'm not hurting anyone else. I wonder if it easy to pretend. Or if the world has to. Or if the world is just more grateful that I'd ever be.
Maybe the world is indeed lonely.. and I'm just not taking the time to notice. What I've come to realize.. we all prance through life as though it were a masquerade.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Listening
I don't like the judge's room. Young people abuse power when it's given to them. Yes. Thank you for restricting oral critiques from student judges. I'm just slightly offended and slightly annoyed. Funny thing how people talk as though no one is listening. Sure, you went on insulting her right after you glanced around the room to make sure she wasn't there. Your insults would have worked just perfectly, concealed between you and your friends. Too bad the teammates of your subject of ridicule were sitting right behind you. Part of me wanted to turn around and politely request that you stop. And part of me just wanted to sit there and laugh on the inside.. at how careless you were to make that mistake in the first place.. because, frankly, I believe this girl you pointlessly criticized behind her back is amazing at what she does.
Today.. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel very.. disoriented. I might as well just go to sleep.. literally giving up because I'm just clear out of it today. Hardly know what I'm saying, hardly listening at the same time. But no.. I'll just drink cold water.. and work.. because I need to.. I'm awefully behind. The more I break apart, it seems, the more I'm wanting to be alone.. with only silence as a companion. Bothers me.. how I can be satisifed with just that now.
With me, it seems.. passion dies down quickly. Nope, nothing's going to wait for me to start living.
My cousin is in California now.. please keep him in your prayers. And I haven't heard from his family in a few months, but Michael too.. healed by His hands. Pray that the family keeps their eyes focused on God through this ordeal. This reminds me of the fishermen in Matthews. We'll be guided if we allow ourselves to be. I'm going to memorize Psalm 23 again.. it's comforting.
Today.. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel very.. disoriented. I might as well just go to sleep.. literally giving up because I'm just clear out of it today. Hardly know what I'm saying, hardly listening at the same time. But no.. I'll just drink cold water.. and work.. because I need to.. I'm awefully behind. The more I break apart, it seems, the more I'm wanting to be alone.. with only silence as a companion. Bothers me.. how I can be satisifed with just that now.
With me, it seems.. passion dies down quickly. Nope, nothing's going to wait for me to start living.
My cousin is in California now.. please keep him in your prayers. And I haven't heard from his family in a few months, but Michael too.. healed by His hands. Pray that the family keeps their eyes focused on God through this ordeal. This reminds me of the fishermen in Matthews. We'll be guided if we allow ourselves to be. I'm going to memorize Psalm 23 again.. it's comforting.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Drained
I'm tired. I don't think I heard anything anyone said today. Barely, anyway. Suppose I've just been impatient. Always getting this odd feeling every now and then.. when it'd seem nice if people talked twice their normal speed. More things done.. less time.. but, no, that doesn't always work for me either.. I'm just inexplicably annoyed at the moment. Though.. conversations are nice.. when they're not tense.. but simply punctuated with pauses for thought.. and just relaxed.
I really despise.. the fact that people make assumptions about my dog before they know anything. It's.. animal.. prejudice.. or something. Like how dungbeetles receive little attention from those "save the species" or "save the planet" organizations. It's true. Save the polar bears. But why don't we have.. save the dung beetle campaigns? That baffles me. Evident reason.. they're not furry and cuddly and probably don't pull as many human emotions that way.. Well, I don't know. That was a far stretch. Anyway, parkgoers enjoy attacking me with spontaneous comments (though, not always directly). "Ooooh that mean dog is going to bite you." "She's not good like the other one." Points to fluffy little dog. (Okay, then.) "That dog is mean!" (Shouting from across the street.) "Careful! Biting dog!!" (Just because I say do not speak Vietnamese does not mean I do not understand it. Interesting how people assume I don't understand what they are saying. And they say things and then just smile at me as though nothing happened.) I guess I am being quite defensive and very sensitive, but I honestly won't take any of this. I cannot and will not parallel these expectations. Yes, on some level, I am afraid of big dogs. The puncture scars are fading on my wrists.. but I am still inexplicably scared. Maybe dog owners trust their own dogs too much. Yet, I see no need for these spontaneous assumptions.. when I am not allowing my dog to run loose. Shepherds are service dogs.. and we are still working on it. Her social skills.. and mine at the same time. Having a dog is nice in that sense.. being able to connect to people. But yet, these assumptions do get in the way. Still, I personally think.. she's doing spendidly well.. for being a puppy.
My wrists keep clicking. I'm starting to get annoyed. But I love this song. It has this certain.. sense of motion to it. I don't know. Music wakes up this part of me.. that's been asleep.. dormant.. And for some reason, I'll feel all the more alive.
Is it possible to be cliche with God? I don't know why I'm posing this question.. but I don't think so. Yet, I do think I'm being laughed at for what I said.. Oh well, so be it.
Wonderful thing.. she knows Jesus and her heart is strong because of that. Life isn't easy to look at in an optimistic way.. particularly when the streets are all you know. But I admire her.. for that. There is more to be admired than the familiar.. or the heralded. I prefer to think of people as people. People are strong. If they choose to be. And people are amazing. If they choose to use this strength in the right way. There's some beauty in people.. yet, she simply chooses not to flaunt it. Or perhaps, she is so deep in God's grace and giving.. that she can just be. I wish people would take the time to see that.. instead of taking detours just to avoid her corner. She told me about her church. Her husband plays guitar and bass.
I guess.. I've come to a conclusion. It's not right to be disrespectful.. to prove some point. I'm ashamed.. at some of the things I've heard. Sure, we all preach finding ways to resolve a problem. Yet, it goes unobserved in our actions. People are controlled by the heat of the moment.. and their emotions within that moment. I've felt that countless times.. I say something and realize the implications of it later. So I'll try not to speak.. until I have balanced emotion with reason. The straightforward insult just isn't right.. can we not negotiate? Suggest? Arguing will not accomplish anything. I understand the complaints.. yet, it's not easy to do something when you're forced. I'll let my complaints stop with me.. because I'm done discussing this. Yes, there are problems with the system. It is simply pointless, though, to argue without some level of concession.. because we're not in any ways better. There is still learning to be done.
Well, a year.. and these thoughts are still incredibly painful.. Rather, I can't say that. Everything is in some way a good memory.. simply overshadowed by this one, solitary thought. I can't and will never adjust to a life that I never knew.. nor will I ever be able to fully accept living without the life I'd lived for fifteen years or so. It just doesn't work that way. It's still hard for me to believe. One thought is enough to shatter so much. Every morning, even still, it just gets harder knowing it's another day I'll have to get through without you. I won't ever stop missing anything and everything about all that time.. It's time I'll only ever live through once. When I walk in the garden, it's alone now. And there's not so many people willing to smile at me... even when I'm not. You know, what's the strangest thing.. standing on that hill with its stony faces.. Time may last.. but the seconds don't. Though, I am comforted by thoughts of some sort. Dreams.. though they're not reality... they're real enough in this sense.. Perhaps, it's living the memories we never had the seconds to live, not here anyway..
I really despise.. the fact that people make assumptions about my dog before they know anything. It's.. animal.. prejudice.. or something. Like how dungbeetles receive little attention from those "save the species" or "save the planet" organizations. It's true. Save the polar bears. But why don't we have.. save the dung beetle campaigns? That baffles me. Evident reason.. they're not furry and cuddly and probably don't pull as many human emotions that way.. Well, I don't know. That was a far stretch. Anyway, parkgoers enjoy attacking me with spontaneous comments (though, not always directly). "Ooooh that mean dog is going to bite you." "She's not good like the other one." Points to fluffy little dog. (Okay, then.) "That dog is mean!" (Shouting from across the street.) "Careful! Biting dog!!" (Just because I say do not speak Vietnamese does not mean I do not understand it. Interesting how people assume I don't understand what they are saying. And they say things and then just smile at me as though nothing happened.) I guess I am being quite defensive and very sensitive, but I honestly won't take any of this. I cannot and will not parallel these expectations. Yes, on some level, I am afraid of big dogs. The puncture scars are fading on my wrists.. but I am still inexplicably scared. Maybe dog owners trust their own dogs too much. Yet, I see no need for these spontaneous assumptions.. when I am not allowing my dog to run loose. Shepherds are service dogs.. and we are still working on it. Her social skills.. and mine at the same time. Having a dog is nice in that sense.. being able to connect to people. But yet, these assumptions do get in the way. Still, I personally think.. she's doing spendidly well.. for being a puppy.
My wrists keep clicking. I'm starting to get annoyed. But I love this song. It has this certain.. sense of motion to it. I don't know. Music wakes up this part of me.. that's been asleep.. dormant.. And for some reason, I'll feel all the more alive.
Is it possible to be cliche with God? I don't know why I'm posing this question.. but I don't think so. Yet, I do think I'm being laughed at for what I said.. Oh well, so be it.
Wonderful thing.. she knows Jesus and her heart is strong because of that. Life isn't easy to look at in an optimistic way.. particularly when the streets are all you know. But I admire her.. for that. There is more to be admired than the familiar.. or the heralded. I prefer to think of people as people. People are strong. If they choose to be. And people are amazing. If they choose to use this strength in the right way. There's some beauty in people.. yet, she simply chooses not to flaunt it. Or perhaps, she is so deep in God's grace and giving.. that she can just be. I wish people would take the time to see that.. instead of taking detours just to avoid her corner. She told me about her church. Her husband plays guitar and bass.
I guess.. I've come to a conclusion. It's not right to be disrespectful.. to prove some point. I'm ashamed.. at some of the things I've heard. Sure, we all preach finding ways to resolve a problem. Yet, it goes unobserved in our actions. People are controlled by the heat of the moment.. and their emotions within that moment. I've felt that countless times.. I say something and realize the implications of it later. So I'll try not to speak.. until I have balanced emotion with reason. The straightforward insult just isn't right.. can we not negotiate? Suggest? Arguing will not accomplish anything. I understand the complaints.. yet, it's not easy to do something when you're forced. I'll let my complaints stop with me.. because I'm done discussing this. Yes, there are problems with the system. It is simply pointless, though, to argue without some level of concession.. because we're not in any ways better. There is still learning to be done.
Well, a year.. and these thoughts are still incredibly painful.. Rather, I can't say that. Everything is in some way a good memory.. simply overshadowed by this one, solitary thought. I can't and will never adjust to a life that I never knew.. nor will I ever be able to fully accept living without the life I'd lived for fifteen years or so. It just doesn't work that way. It's still hard for me to believe. One thought is enough to shatter so much. Every morning, even still, it just gets harder knowing it's another day I'll have to get through without you. I won't ever stop missing anything and everything about all that time.. It's time I'll only ever live through once. When I walk in the garden, it's alone now. And there's not so many people willing to smile at me... even when I'm not. You know, what's the strangest thing.. standing on that hill with its stony faces.. Time may last.. but the seconds don't. Though, I am comforted by thoughts of some sort. Dreams.. though they're not reality... they're real enough in this sense.. Perhaps, it's living the memories we never had the seconds to live, not here anyway..
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Scared senseless
I want to run.. far away. And I'll hope not to see the same faces that said 'bye' not too long ago. Why did I tell you my name? Because you told me yours. They were little, cousins, and a baby. Whatever good or connection existed, though, I really don't care anymore. I'm neither inclined to hope.. nor inclined to trust.
Sometimes I wish people just stayed away. I'm nervous. I'm unstable. I'm insecure. I'm fickle. And I'm just not worth talking to. I can only smile and talk for so long. But, no, it just doesn't feel right.
Sometimes I wish people just stayed away. I'm nervous. I'm unstable. I'm insecure. I'm fickle. And I'm just not worth talking to. I can only smile and talk for so long. But, no, it just doesn't feel right.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Here again
Suddenly.. I feel so distant. Maybe it'll change, eventually. I just don't feel as comfortable around people I used to spend so much time with. Perhaps because I haven't spent too much time around people. It's just awkward. I feel like I'm forcing myself to laugh just to be sociable.
OCD is getting the best of me. It's difficult to describe. A numbing sort of pain. Certain things just trigger an alarm in my mind, and it's utterly intolerable. Familiarity is one thing, but the repetition quite literally drives me insane. It's one of those things I want to control.. but can't. I think I must have had more control in the past. Now I just feel like that one mailbox person.
The girl's hardly a puppy anymore. I haven't seen her much in the past two days, but I don't remember her being that tall. I don't know. If it works out, I hope she can make someone's struggles a bit more tolerable. Therapy animals can do things people fail to do, sometimes.
Someone else speaks my language. It's incredibly exciting. Though it's not much of a concern right now, I mourn the day we sacrifice all culture and heritage and background and history for the sake of convenience and popular communication. Language being torn to pieces. Really, people are its appendages and its way of movement. A precursor to Babel's end?
I'm not functioning properly right now. I need to find a block of time to just sleep, eventually. It's just.. there's little peace of mind sleeping at the usual hours. I think I fell asleep for some time in the mpr today. Oh well. I think that might be why I'm not as tired as I should be right now.
Pharmacy. "You make a lot of money and it's easy--there's a lot of repetition." I disagree with the last point. Despite the good intentions, I won't let myself be drawn to something.. just because it's lucrative. I don't want to spend my life pursuing these wordly profits. Honestly, it seems like that passion for learning.. doesn't mean much anymore, does it? All things done for the money or the fame. It's a funny thing. I'm not understood. Well, I think some people assume they know me more than they might. "It's memorizing.. and not a lot of challenge, you do much of the same things. You don't have to deal with people." Though I highly doubt that's the truth of it all--it semms to underestimate pharmaceuticology quite a bit. Yet, the concept of maybe existing without a challenge.. does not sound very appealing. Anyhow, it's just sickening to enter a field not feeling very passionate about it.. just to earn the profits. Furnishing, particularly the medical field, with people just going through the motions. I'll try not to generalize. I have seen some absolutely amazing people who no less than love what they do. I'm just troubled by maybe never finding that passion. It's lacking.
Anyway, I haven't found the right words to express what I'd like to say. I think the past ten years have changed more than I've realized. Or want to realize, anyway.
Oh, and it is me.
OCD is getting the best of me. It's difficult to describe. A numbing sort of pain. Certain things just trigger an alarm in my mind, and it's utterly intolerable. Familiarity is one thing, but the repetition quite literally drives me insane. It's one of those things I want to control.. but can't. I think I must have had more control in the past. Now I just feel like that one mailbox person.
The girl's hardly a puppy anymore. I haven't seen her much in the past two days, but I don't remember her being that tall. I don't know. If it works out, I hope she can make someone's struggles a bit more tolerable. Therapy animals can do things people fail to do, sometimes.
Someone else speaks my language. It's incredibly exciting. Though it's not much of a concern right now, I mourn the day we sacrifice all culture and heritage and background and history for the sake of convenience and popular communication. Language being torn to pieces. Really, people are its appendages and its way of movement. A precursor to Babel's end?
I'm not functioning properly right now. I need to find a block of time to just sleep, eventually. It's just.. there's little peace of mind sleeping at the usual hours. I think I fell asleep for some time in the mpr today. Oh well. I think that might be why I'm not as tired as I should be right now.
Pharmacy. "You make a lot of money and it's easy--there's a lot of repetition." I disagree with the last point. Despite the good intentions, I won't let myself be drawn to something.. just because it's lucrative. I don't want to spend my life pursuing these wordly profits. Honestly, it seems like that passion for learning.. doesn't mean much anymore, does it? All things done for the money or the fame. It's a funny thing. I'm not understood. Well, I think some people assume they know me more than they might. "It's memorizing.. and not a lot of challenge, you do much of the same things. You don't have to deal with people." Though I highly doubt that's the truth of it all--it semms to underestimate pharmaceuticology quite a bit. Yet, the concept of maybe existing without a challenge.. does not sound very appealing. Anyhow, it's just sickening to enter a field not feeling very passionate about it.. just to earn the profits. Furnishing, particularly the medical field, with people just going through the motions. I'll try not to generalize. I have seen some absolutely amazing people who no less than love what they do. I'm just troubled by maybe never finding that passion. It's lacking.
Anyway, I haven't found the right words to express what I'd like to say. I think the past ten years have changed more than I've realized. Or want to realize, anyway.
Oh, and it is me.
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