Drained

I'm tired. I don't think I heard anything anyone said today. Barely, anyway. Suppose I've just been impatient. Always getting this odd feeling every now and then.. when it'd seem nice if people talked twice their normal speed. More things done.. less time.. but, no, that doesn't always work for me either.. I'm just inexplicably annoyed at the moment. Though.. conversations are nice.. when they're not tense.. but simply punctuated with pauses for thought.. and just relaxed.

I really despise.. the fact that people make assumptions about my dog before they know anything. It's.. animal.. prejudice.. or something. Like how dungbeetles receive little attention from those "save the species" or "save the planet" organizations. It's true. Save the polar bears. But why don't we have.. save the dung beetle campaigns? That baffles me. Evident reason.. they're not furry and cuddly and probably don't pull as many human emotions that way.. Well, I don't know. That was a far stretch. Anyway, parkgoers enjoy attacking me with spontaneous comments (though, not always directly). "Ooooh that mean dog is going to bite you." "She's not good like the other one." Points to fluffy little dog. (Okay, then.) "That dog is mean!" (Shouting from across the street.) "Careful! Biting dog!!" (Just because I say do not speak Vietnamese does not mean I do not understand it. Interesting how people assume I don't understand what they are saying. And they say things and then just smile at me as though nothing happened.) I guess I am being quite defensive and very sensitive, but I honestly won't take any of this. I cannot and will not parallel these expectations. Yes, on some level, I am afraid of big dogs. The puncture scars are fading on my wrists.. but I am still inexplicably scared. Maybe dog owners trust their own dogs too much. Yet, I see no need for these spontaneous assumptions.. when I am not allowing my dog to run loose. Shepherds are service dogs.. and we are still working on it. Her social skills.. and mine at the same time. Having a dog is nice in that sense.. being able to connect to people. But yet, these assumptions do get in the way. Still, I personally think.. she's doing spendidly well.. for being a puppy.

My wrists keep clicking. I'm starting to get annoyed. But I love this song. It has this certain.. sense of motion to it. I don't know. Music wakes up this part of me.. that's been asleep.. dormant.. And for some reason, I'll feel all the more alive.

Is it possible to be cliche with God? I don't know why I'm posing this question.. but I don't think so. Yet, I do think I'm being laughed at for what I said.. Oh well, so be it.

Wonderful thing.. she knows Jesus and her heart is strong because of that. Life isn't easy to look at in an optimistic way.. particularly when the streets are all you know. But I admire her.. for that. There is more to be admired than the familiar.. or the heralded. I prefer to think of people as people. People are strong. If they choose to be. And people are amazing. If they choose to use this strength in the right way. There's some beauty in people.. yet, she simply chooses not to flaunt it. Or perhaps, she is so deep in God's grace and giving.. that she can just be. I wish people would take the time to see that.. instead of taking detours just to avoid her corner. She told me about her church. Her husband plays guitar and bass.

I guess.. I've come to a conclusion. It's not right to be disrespectful.. to prove some point. I'm ashamed.. at some of the things I've heard. Sure, we all preach finding ways to resolve a problem. Yet, it goes unobserved in our actions. People are controlled by the heat of the moment.. and their emotions within that moment. I've felt that countless times.. I say something and realize the implications of it later. So I'll try not to speak.. until I have balanced emotion with reason. The straightforward insult just isn't right.. can we not negotiate? Suggest? Arguing will not accomplish anything. I understand the complaints.. yet, it's not easy to do something when you're forced. I'll let my complaints stop with me.. because I'm done discussing this. Yes, there are problems with the system. It is simply pointless, though, to argue without some level of concession.. because we're not in any ways better. There is still learning to be done.

Well, a year.. and these thoughts are still incredibly painful.. Rather, I can't say that. Everything is in some way a good memory.. simply overshadowed by this one, solitary thought. I can't and will never adjust to a life that I never knew.. nor will I ever be able to fully accept living without the life I'd lived for fifteen years or so. It just doesn't work that way. It's still hard for me to believe. One thought is enough to shatter so much. Every morning, even still, it just gets harder knowing it's another day I'll have to get through without you. I won't ever stop missing anything and everything about all that time.. It's time I'll only ever live through once. When I walk in the garden, it's alone now. And there's not so many people willing to smile at me... even when I'm not. You know, what's the strangest thing.. standing on that hill with its stony faces.. Time may last.. but the seconds don't. Though, I am comforted by thoughts of some sort. Dreams.. though they're not reality... they're real enough in this sense.. Perhaps, it's living the memories we never had the seconds to live, not here anyway..