I don't deserve a lot of things in life. Simple as that, I just don't. But why are these things given me when I've done nothing in return? Better yet, I shouldn't say things. Sure, physical needs and security are prerequisites to self-actualization, so says Maslow's hierarchy. Yet, I disagree with that concept on some levels (though my analysis of the concept itself may be a misunderstanding.. forgive me for that). Physical needs. My parents always stress that you can't live without health, without it you're just a machine gone berserk. You won't last long.
But here's where I disagree. Yes, you can't live if you don't have health. But I can't see physical needs as the only foundation you have to build this so-called self-actualization. It's not the bottom layer, because it, too, falls.. and not just under its own faults. I don't think it's right to weigh emotional needs per physical needs. Neither can exist without the other, not for long anyway. Honestly, we need to love and be loved as much as we need food and water. Both assuage hunger but different types of hunger. We can't get the proper nutrients by only indulging in one. Empty stomach or empty heart? You'll never feel full.
End-
And here is where the randomosity ensues. The usual string of thoughts having no relevance to one another whatsoever.
A few more lines to go until finish. Post once revised.
There isn't any reason to go looking for someone to listen to you.
My dog has been so well-behaved compared to usual. I'm considering and it might work.
I supposedly took the pillow and stared at it in the middle of the night. Odd.
Night before, I had rather strange dreams. I was in a car at the end of the street. Street lights burnt out, perhaps. It appeared rather dark. There were these people standing there, they started throwing rocks and threats and foul words. Something along those lines. Then, on a road in the middle of nowhere. Nothing like the rural countryside and pastel colors and picket fences. The colors were dark, like it came out of an oil painting. Vivid and dark mountainside and farms, thunder lurking, slightest hint of inclement weather. It didn't scream out at you, persay, but just hung there in humid air. And there came a man riding an irish wolfhound. Just out of the blue.
How come, out of all the dreams I dream, I only remember the weird ones?
Okay. I'll be waking before midday tomorrow, hopefully. If early enough, to go to lab. Or, otherwise, to finish the last few lines. I really don't know where to end it though. Not yet. We'll see.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Okay
I'm trying to say I'm doing all right. And perhaps I shall be, eventually. The faith of a mustard seed. The courage to let go. The trust to step from your comfort and into an ocean of worlds you don't even know. Maybe I'll be holding on all right.
I still feel like I'm falling off my feet. I just don't want the past year of my life replaying, I don't want to go through it all again. Those years you've lived through so quickly, never once thinking twice, can never be replaced once they're gone. And I'm still realizing that every waking moment and every second I'm alive. When you're dealt with the spontaneity of life, these arbitrary things that trascend any understanding, it makes me think I'm not cut out to get through this all. One day, you've got a hold on reality and the next, you realize you can't wake up from this nightmare.. because it's life. And sometimes, we're just so torn up on the inside that it's hard to even stand. But I'm holding on, one way or another. Being weak ain't going to help the healing. Because pain doesn't just disappear, but it doesn't just stay in one place either. We'll see which way it goes.
I still feel like I'm falling off my feet. I just don't want the past year of my life replaying, I don't want to go through it all again. Those years you've lived through so quickly, never once thinking twice, can never be replaced once they're gone. And I'm still realizing that every waking moment and every second I'm alive. When you're dealt with the spontaneity of life, these arbitrary things that trascend any understanding, it makes me think I'm not cut out to get through this all. One day, you've got a hold on reality and the next, you realize you can't wake up from this nightmare.. because it's life. And sometimes, we're just so torn up on the inside that it's hard to even stand. But I'm holding on, one way or another. Being weak ain't going to help the healing. Because pain doesn't just disappear, but it doesn't just stay in one place either. We'll see which way it goes.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
-The Motions, Matthew West
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Uncertain
I'm not sure that I'm satisfied with the person I've become. I feel as though time is running short.. and I'm not running fast enough.
It makes me rather uncomfortable when a person watches me over my shoulder as I work. I'm no New York street artist who can perform fluently, even with looming crowds about. Time is that daunting figure. I can't move, but I can't stop. I feel like I'm trapped in between with nowhere to go. I'll never finish what I need to, I'll never be able to completely say what I intend, I'll just never be. I'm always running out of time, and soon enough, that looming figure will get tired of me lagging and kick me right in the back.
And I just won't know what to do anymore.
It makes me rather uncomfortable when a person watches me over my shoulder as I work. I'm no New York street artist who can perform fluently, even with looming crowds about. Time is that daunting figure. I can't move, but I can't stop. I feel like I'm trapped in between with nowhere to go. I'll never finish what I need to, I'll never be able to completely say what I intend, I'll just never be. I'm always running out of time, and soon enough, that looming figure will get tired of me lagging and kick me right in the back.
And I just won't know what to do anymore.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Illogicality
Sometimes, my illogicalities are strange. Beforehand, I might have indeed considered something illogical. But then, when I'm faced with it, it's kind of different. As unreasonable as it is, I've found myself so inclined to touch water to see how hot it is, when it's in the process of boiling. People should know overdosing is not good. But when I'm five months behind on medication, what if I just took another? Don't worry, I'm not going to kill my liver like that though.
Anyway, I slept for a while in the afternoon today, despite the heat. I had really strange dreams again. It was sometime in the evening when there was this storm, a rather serious one. The noise was terrifying and the wind raging through every window and door could literally sweep you off your feet. So I ran around closing every opening to the house. Went outside after it stopped later, it was rather dark at night. This segment of the dream.. I feel like I've had before. It was raining. As soon as I stepped outside, my neighbors' dog runs up to me and starts jumping in circles around me. Scary as heck, because I'm afraid of being bitten. Not in my dream, my neighbors actually have a little white dog. I don't know how it managed to become a dog that is taller than me when it stands up on its two back paws. Anyway, this hand comes out and beckons the dog from my neighbors' garage door and it immediately gives up its relentless jumping. At the end of the culdesac, there's this other man playing with a stubby brown and white dog. I don't remember the name of the breed. This dream is oddly familiar. Like the one about the crosses, I feel like I've had it before.
Not much to say other than that. I don't put so much effort into friendship anymore, I just realized that. My relationships almost always end up strained. Mostly at my fault. I'm one of those people that you just either get annoyed with or bored of rather quickly. My family can deal with that easily. They're used to it. Other people can't. Since I'm one of those Americans who isn't very good at making the distinction between humans and animals, my dogs are very much like my friends. I guess that's good.
Anyway, I slept for a while in the afternoon today, despite the heat. I had really strange dreams again. It was sometime in the evening when there was this storm, a rather serious one. The noise was terrifying and the wind raging through every window and door could literally sweep you off your feet. So I ran around closing every opening to the house. Went outside after it stopped later, it was rather dark at night. This segment of the dream.. I feel like I've had before. It was raining. As soon as I stepped outside, my neighbors' dog runs up to me and starts jumping in circles around me. Scary as heck, because I'm afraid of being bitten. Not in my dream, my neighbors actually have a little white dog. I don't know how it managed to become a dog that is taller than me when it stands up on its two back paws. Anyway, this hand comes out and beckons the dog from my neighbors' garage door and it immediately gives up its relentless jumping. At the end of the culdesac, there's this other man playing with a stubby brown and white dog. I don't remember the name of the breed. This dream is oddly familiar. Like the one about the crosses, I feel like I've had it before.
Not much to say other than that. I don't put so much effort into friendship anymore, I just realized that. My relationships almost always end up strained. Mostly at my fault. I'm one of those people that you just either get annoyed with or bored of rather quickly. My family can deal with that easily. They're used to it. Other people can't. Since I'm one of those Americans who isn't very good at making the distinction between humans and animals, my dogs are very much like my friends. I guess that's good.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Chills
I'm rather emotionless. I'm the person that never gets chills or never cries when something of sentimental value, unrelated or at least undirectly related to my personal life, occurs. I know, I'm cold. Lately, though, I've been getting the chills more often than not. Performances, just seeing amazing people. It's strange for once.
"What? How come I don't get to go?" I don't understand what it is with my brother, what's so fascinating about going to a hospital? I hate hospitals. Hate the environment, with what I've seen. Not the fact that they are necessary as safeguards for health, but just the atmosphere and the feeling you get from being there. It's rather unsettling.
Constant worry, one after another. Is getting sick an unspoken trend nowadays?
My dreams have been quite strange. I think there was one where I and a number of other people had to gather white crosses.. from somewhere. And travel over mountainous terrain to plant them in the ground.. elsewhere. I don't remember much about that one. Yesterday night was frightening, though. I think I was trying to drive to a hospital somewhere. When I finally got there, the facade of the building just stared me down. It was at an intersection. Then, this blood curdling scream just erupted out of nowhere. People were running out of the hospital, carrying their ill family members. Just screaming, screaming. Absolutely terrible feeling..
Out of the typical be grateful for life thing, I don't really have much good news today. Everything is quite muddled in my thoughts right now.
I'm so confused as to what I think. I don't know myself very well. I don't know anything else very well, for that matter. I'm unfaithful and insecure.. and just so out of place. I've been told, "if you want to think like that, then you don't deserve to be a Christian." I don't like labels like that, but is any sinning human being (that was rather redundant) deserving? I don't know. The fact is, I've got a hard time trusting.. that as hateful as the world is, there's someone that's still willing to love me no matter what. That there's someone who doesn't care who I've been.. who doesn't judge based on first impressions. With whom, there are no first impressions, because there's purity by His touch. Where there's someone who's willing to embrace you when you're ragged and torn and turn tears of sorrow into tears of joy. People so often judge based on what they see of you because they can't turn you inside out. Why should we be loved so much anyway?
"What? How come I don't get to go?" I don't understand what it is with my brother, what's so fascinating about going to a hospital? I hate hospitals. Hate the environment, with what I've seen. Not the fact that they are necessary as safeguards for health, but just the atmosphere and the feeling you get from being there. It's rather unsettling.
Constant worry, one after another. Is getting sick an unspoken trend nowadays?
My dreams have been quite strange. I think there was one where I and a number of other people had to gather white crosses.. from somewhere. And travel over mountainous terrain to plant them in the ground.. elsewhere. I don't remember much about that one. Yesterday night was frightening, though. I think I was trying to drive to a hospital somewhere. When I finally got there, the facade of the building just stared me down. It was at an intersection. Then, this blood curdling scream just erupted out of nowhere. People were running out of the hospital, carrying their ill family members. Just screaming, screaming. Absolutely terrible feeling..
Out of the typical be grateful for life thing, I don't really have much good news today. Everything is quite muddled in my thoughts right now.
I'm so confused as to what I think. I don't know myself very well. I don't know anything else very well, for that matter. I'm unfaithful and insecure.. and just so out of place. I've been told, "if you want to think like that, then you don't deserve to be a Christian." I don't like labels like that, but is any sinning human being (that was rather redundant) deserving? I don't know. The fact is, I've got a hard time trusting.. that as hateful as the world is, there's someone that's still willing to love me no matter what. That there's someone who doesn't care who I've been.. who doesn't judge based on first impressions. With whom, there are no first impressions, because there's purity by His touch. Where there's someone who's willing to embrace you when you're ragged and torn and turn tears of sorrow into tears of joy. People so often judge based on what they see of you because they can't turn you inside out. Why should we be loved so much anyway?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sense
My life doesn't make any sense to me. Everything just passes by so quickly. Turn around for a moment, look back, and so so much is gone. Just gone. And you never realized it.
When we were younger, my sisters and I liked to play this joke, so to speak. We played hide and seek in the pool. I have no idea how. Go figure. One person would close their eyes and count. Meanwhile, the others would just run off, back inside the house. The one counting, of course, would turn around and no one would be there. You're just alone.
That's how it is right now. I've closed my eyes for a moment and realize I've been sleeping for too long. So much that it's difficult to accept that what's happened now, is what's going to be. I've got no control. And now that I look back, I'm just a whole lot of emptiness. A whole lot of sorrow. Sometimes, I can't believe how ungrateful I can be. But I just don't know what to turn to anymore.
There's nowhere to run.
It's just painful to think.. when someone you love just vanishes from your life. Just like that. When once someone would run after you when you turned away, when you run away now, you'd find yourself alone. Conversing with your own uncertainties and pouring salt into your own wounds.
It's not that I expect anybody to talk to me. That'd be asking for too much. I've got no responsibility or right to request that somebody help me with my burdens. I guess I can only ask that I'm guided with wisdom as to what to do, really.
I've just messed things up a bit for myself. Time and time again, I've been told, live in the day. Enjoy every moment. Acknowledge every breath. But easier said than done.
Every day I wake up, I ask myself, what am I doing? What is my impact? And I've got no answer, to be honest with you. I'm just waiting.. for I don't know what. Because I don't know where to search anymore.
When we were younger, my sisters and I liked to play this joke, so to speak. We played hide and seek in the pool. I have no idea how. Go figure. One person would close their eyes and count. Meanwhile, the others would just run off, back inside the house. The one counting, of course, would turn around and no one would be there. You're just alone.
That's how it is right now. I've closed my eyes for a moment and realize I've been sleeping for too long. So much that it's difficult to accept that what's happened now, is what's going to be. I've got no control. And now that I look back, I'm just a whole lot of emptiness. A whole lot of sorrow. Sometimes, I can't believe how ungrateful I can be. But I just don't know what to turn to anymore.
There's nowhere to run.
It's just painful to think.. when someone you love just vanishes from your life. Just like that. When once someone would run after you when you turned away, when you run away now, you'd find yourself alone. Conversing with your own uncertainties and pouring salt into your own wounds.
It's not that I expect anybody to talk to me. That'd be asking for too much. I've got no responsibility or right to request that somebody help me with my burdens. I guess I can only ask that I'm guided with wisdom as to what to do, really.
I've just messed things up a bit for myself. Time and time again, I've been told, live in the day. Enjoy every moment. Acknowledge every breath. But easier said than done.
Every day I wake up, I ask myself, what am I doing? What is my impact? And I've got no answer, to be honest with you. I'm just waiting.. for I don't know what. Because I don't know where to search anymore.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Saturday
I'm the kind of girl that, instead of spending Saturday night out, spends it making a board game with her brother because he's in the "board games are the best" kind of mindset. I guess that either makes me a girl who wants the carefree days again or a sister. Oh, doesn't it feel so darn good to spend some time with a younger person in the family.
I smell like chlorine.
Last night I listened to a podcast on lucid dreaming. I had really weird dreams, though none necessarily where I was in control. Learned about Aristotle and van Eeden. Tibetan monks.
And Tibet and China and the bordering region consisting of Muslim populations. Also, Sotamayo and the Democrats. Ayatollah Khameini, I thought they were saying "harmony." And I got confused, until I realized they mentioned something about Iran's supreme leader. Then, I thought, oh. The five European countries and the pipeline accord. Kremlin is Russia. Control of oil in the East and indications of insecurity. Robert Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai. Those names are hard to spell. I though they were spelled differently until I searched online to clarify who they were. Zimbabwe. Average lifespan of a man in Zimbabwe is mid-thirites? And the unrest in Xinjang (I think that's the name). I don't understand, though, why they're allowing foreign people to report on the incidents in the area, when they've cut off the local region's internet access? Fear of native populations.. organizing something anti-government? Hm.
I smell like chlorine.
Last night I listened to a podcast on lucid dreaming. I had really weird dreams, though none necessarily where I was in control. Learned about Aristotle and van Eeden. Tibetan monks.
And Tibet and China and the bordering region consisting of Muslim populations. Also, Sotamayo and the Democrats. Ayatollah Khameini, I thought they were saying "harmony." And I got confused, until I realized they mentioned something about Iran's supreme leader. Then, I thought, oh. The five European countries and the pipeline accord. Kremlin is Russia. Control of oil in the East and indications of insecurity. Robert Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai. Those names are hard to spell. I though they were spelled differently until I searched online to clarify who they were. Zimbabwe. Average lifespan of a man in Zimbabwe is mid-thirites? And the unrest in Xinjang (I think that's the name). I don't understand, though, why they're allowing foreign people to report on the incidents in the area, when they've cut off the local region's internet access? Fear of native populations.. organizing something anti-government? Hm.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Okay
9:50:39
9:55:04
My conversations, with people, don't last long. Oh well.
Don't bother with me. Not worth it. It's not people's fault, it's my fault. The way I feel about people is inconsistent. I am inconsistent. My tendencies oscillate. And I'm a fickle person. That's the way it is for the time being.
I'm reading the news now. And I'm listening to podcasts. I think I might be feeling better.
9:55:04
My conversations, with people, don't last long. Oh well.
Don't bother with me. Not worth it. It's not people's fault, it's my fault. The way I feel about people is inconsistent. I am inconsistent. My tendencies oscillate. And I'm a fickle person. That's the way it is for the time being.
I'm reading the news now. And I'm listening to podcasts. I think I might be feeling better.
Tired
I'm really tired of everything. I feel guilty letting myself relax because I don't deserve it. But I'm tired. Or am I? Yet, then again I've literally lost all self-discipline nowadays. I'm careless and I let myself off too easily.
And I need people to stop being nice to me out of pity. Or rather, doing anything out of pity. Call me proud, but it's not nice. It's annoying as hell.
I feel very distanced from people. It's a lack of connection. I don't know. I guess we could care less about each other. It wouldn't matter now.
I guess I've messed up my life in some ways or another. Don't know what to do. People are afraid of me..
I don't feel like swimming anymore. You know how it gets tiring to stand in the same place and not move anywhere. I'm not sure where to go anyway.
Feel the need to go running again.
A lot of lies lingering out in the open. Who's safe?
Need to start writing and researching.
An insightful conversation late at night. But there's no one to talk to.
Down and under.
People are avoiding me.. because I'm not very patient at this time. Not with people.
Need someone to care about. Volunteer? Deciding.
Searching for a purpose, a reason to live?
Some people need nothing to be happy. Some people need the world. What's the secret to happiness? Just be ourselves? What if I don't know who I am in the first place? What good is that?
Life's a torn up creature. Where'd the right limb go again? 'Cause it's all that's left. (hah! pun intended, but anyway..)
And I need people to stop being nice to me out of pity. Or rather, doing anything out of pity. Call me proud, but it's not nice. It's annoying as hell.
I feel very distanced from people. It's a lack of connection. I don't know. I guess we could care less about each other. It wouldn't matter now.
I guess I've messed up my life in some ways or another. Don't know what to do. People are afraid of me..
I don't feel like swimming anymore. You know how it gets tiring to stand in the same place and not move anywhere. I'm not sure where to go anyway.
Feel the need to go running again.
A lot of lies lingering out in the open. Who's safe?
Need to start writing and researching.
An insightful conversation late at night. But there's no one to talk to.
Down and under.
People are avoiding me.. because I'm not very patient at this time. Not with people.
Need someone to care about. Volunteer? Deciding.
Searching for a purpose, a reason to live?
Some people need nothing to be happy. Some people need the world. What's the secret to happiness? Just be ourselves? What if I don't know who I am in the first place? What good is that?
Life's a torn up creature. Where'd the right limb go again? 'Cause it's all that's left. (hah! pun intended, but anyway..)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Confused
I can't see why people can't calm the bloody hell down. I think it hurts more seeing people argue and not being able to do anything about it than being in the argument. What's with living day by day? What's with talking but also listening?
You see, all this is nonexistant. People talk, but they don't listen. I feel like the whole of me and what used to be is all disintegrating. Right now. And nothing can turn things right. I know, it could be worse. But it's all just so hectic and no one cares about anyone but themselves anymore.
I need time to sort things out. My life is a hell of a mess and I can't understand anything. Mired in a cacophonous clash of things I'd rather not deal with. But not run away from either. That'd be pathetic and cowardly, I don't disagree. Well. It's just problematic situations strewn all over. Sort of like I've been scrawling out the details in this illegible chicken-scratch handwriting. Now, I go back to read it and I can't decipher a word.
Just a bit torn. I feel nothing but tired. It's getting more and more difficult to get up in the morning. What's with all this Life's a Blessing? Maybe, but I can't recognize the blessing.
Freaking fail at life. I think the only thing I'm looking forward to this week is researching. Oh well.
You see, all this is nonexistant. People talk, but they don't listen. I feel like the whole of me and what used to be is all disintegrating. Right now. And nothing can turn things right. I know, it could be worse. But it's all just so hectic and no one cares about anyone but themselves anymore.
I need time to sort things out. My life is a hell of a mess and I can't understand anything. Mired in a cacophonous clash of things I'd rather not deal with. But not run away from either. That'd be pathetic and cowardly, I don't disagree. Well. It's just problematic situations strewn all over. Sort of like I've been scrawling out the details in this illegible chicken-scratch handwriting. Now, I go back to read it and I can't decipher a word.
Just a bit torn. I feel nothing but tired. It's getting more and more difficult to get up in the morning. What's with all this Life's a Blessing? Maybe, but I can't recognize the blessing.
Freaking fail at life. I think the only thing I'm looking forward to this week is researching. Oh well.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Carefree
I can't be. Everyday, I realize more and more how childhood is slipping through my fingers.. just like water. Just like sand.
I feel like I can't relax. I can't be patient. I can't enjoy the moment. It's like today. People can just "ooh" and "ahh" at the fireworks, lean close for the love and warmth of loved ones. But I can't stand anything. As soon as the fireworks begin, I'm just waiting for them to end. So I didn't go this year. I know I'd just think in my head, "When is this going to end?"
Not water on the rug. It's like water on the floorboards. I can't drink in the experience.
Oh, and you know, I've realized that the more people there are, the more you realize there's someone missing.
It's hard to live day by day.
Just to think of it, medicine can only heal you so much. What will heal your heart?
I feel like I can't relax. I can't be patient. I can't enjoy the moment. It's like today. People can just "ooh" and "ahh" at the fireworks, lean close for the love and warmth of loved ones. But I can't stand anything. As soon as the fireworks begin, I'm just waiting for them to end. So I didn't go this year. I know I'd just think in my head, "When is this going to end?"
Not water on the rug. It's like water on the floorboards. I can't drink in the experience.
Oh, and you know, I've realized that the more people there are, the more you realize there's someone missing.
It's hard to live day by day.
Just to think of it, medicine can only heal you so much. What will heal your heart?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
So now
I've always thought about going to different places. But that doesn't matter, does it? I'll be the same person regardless of where I am, at least in terms of happiness or whatnot. If I'm not happy here, what difference will it make if I'm elsewhere? People are never satisfied. Suppose, I'm no exception. I might as well stay where I am.
I like eating ice. I don't see how that's particularly strange. That was random.
"She told me not to tell you this, but she told me that you're so insecure in your religion." You should tell me something that I don't know. I don't think it's a bad thing to question your beliefs sometimes. And I'm very insecure, I'll tell you that. Things have happened where I've questioned the state of my existence and other things. Because I've had to. I've felt the need to. Do I actually have a purpose? Or am I just here to live and die? Am I dying every day or just preparing myself for life? Is there a heaven? I don't believe that I can become a stronger person by just sitting there and letting people and institutions feed me information. There's no single answer for everyone. And maybe some people are happy with that and it's fine for them, but somehow I'm driven to believe that there's not one person who hasn't questioned religion, faith, and the likes of it. We're all struggling after all.. to understand this great scheme of things called life.
Okay. I'm rambling now. I don't know what I'm saying.
So, I came home today and the first thing I see when I walk out to the backyard is this big box-like grill covered in this old plastic. It scared the heck out of me, I nearly fainted. It was eerie looking, if you catch my drift.
On the car ride home today, I was thinking. Excuse me for talking nonsense, but I think that people should wear colorful clothing for my funeral. I just wanted to say that. Black and white seems to make things more dreary. I guess it means respect for some people. But I think I'd like color. It might make my life seem less boring. Okay. Nevermind. I didn't really need to say all that. Sixteen is still young, I guess. I shouldn't be saying things like this. But I just thought I'd mention it. I was telling an older family member my requests. Usually, she'd shrug me off. Yet, I found it strange that this time she actually encouraged it. Which kind of bothered me.
Well then. Now, I'm really rambling. That was an inappropriate topic for a blog post. Oh well. I can see why I'm not a very interesting person to talk to. And even the people who say that they want someone to talk to push me away. I guess I need to dwell more on humorous and light topics. I'm not very good at making people laugh.
I like eating ice. I don't see how that's particularly strange. That was random.
"She told me not to tell you this, but she told me that you're so insecure in your religion." You should tell me something that I don't know. I don't think it's a bad thing to question your beliefs sometimes. And I'm very insecure, I'll tell you that. Things have happened where I've questioned the state of my existence and other things. Because I've had to. I've felt the need to. Do I actually have a purpose? Or am I just here to live and die? Am I dying every day or just preparing myself for life? Is there a heaven? I don't believe that I can become a stronger person by just sitting there and letting people and institutions feed me information. There's no single answer for everyone. And maybe some people are happy with that and it's fine for them, but somehow I'm driven to believe that there's not one person who hasn't questioned religion, faith, and the likes of it. We're all struggling after all.. to understand this great scheme of things called life.
Okay. I'm rambling now. I don't know what I'm saying.
So, I came home today and the first thing I see when I walk out to the backyard is this big box-like grill covered in this old plastic. It scared the heck out of me, I nearly fainted. It was eerie looking, if you catch my drift.
On the car ride home today, I was thinking. Excuse me for talking nonsense, but I think that people should wear colorful clothing for my funeral. I just wanted to say that. Black and white seems to make things more dreary. I guess it means respect for some people. But I think I'd like color. It might make my life seem less boring. Okay. Nevermind. I didn't really need to say all that. Sixteen is still young, I guess. I shouldn't be saying things like this. But I just thought I'd mention it. I was telling an older family member my requests. Usually, she'd shrug me off. Yet, I found it strange that this time she actually encouraged it. Which kind of bothered me.
Well then. Now, I'm really rambling. That was an inappropriate topic for a blog post. Oh well. I can see why I'm not a very interesting person to talk to. And even the people who say that they want someone to talk to push me away. I guess I need to dwell more on humorous and light topics. I'm not very good at making people laugh.
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