Chills

I'm rather emotionless. I'm the person that never gets chills or never cries when something of sentimental value, unrelated or at least undirectly related to my personal life, occurs. I know, I'm cold. Lately, though, I've been getting the chills more often than not. Performances, just seeing amazing people. It's strange for once.

"What? How come I don't get to go?" I don't understand what it is with my brother, what's so fascinating about going to a hospital? I hate hospitals. Hate the environment, with what I've seen. Not the fact that they are necessary as safeguards for health, but just the atmosphere and the feeling you get from being there. It's rather unsettling.

Constant worry, one after another. Is getting sick an unspoken trend nowadays?

My dreams have been quite strange. I think there was one where I and a number of other people had to gather white crosses.. from somewhere. And travel over mountainous terrain to plant them in the ground.. elsewhere. I don't remember much about that one. Yesterday night was frightening, though. I think I was trying to drive to a hospital somewhere. When I finally got there, the facade of the building just stared me down. It was at an intersection. Then, this blood curdling scream just erupted out of nowhere. People were running out of the hospital, carrying their ill family members. Just screaming, screaming. Absolutely terrible feeling..

Out of the typical be grateful for life thing, I don't really have much good news today. Everything is quite muddled in my thoughts right now.

I'm so confused as to what I think. I don't know myself very well. I don't know anything else very well, for that matter. I'm unfaithful and insecure.. and just so out of place. I've been told, "if you want to think like that, then you don't deserve to be a Christian." I don't like labels like that, but is any sinning human being (that was rather redundant) deserving? I don't know. The fact is, I've got a hard time trusting.. that as hateful as the world is, there's someone that's still willing to love me no matter what. That there's someone who doesn't care who I've been.. who doesn't judge based on first impressions. With whom, there are no first impressions, because there's purity by His touch. Where there's someone who's willing to embrace you when you're ragged and torn and turn tears of sorrow into tears of joy. People so often judge based on what they see of you because they can't turn you inside out. Why should we be loved so much anyway?