Sense

My life doesn't make any sense to me. Everything just passes by so quickly. Turn around for a moment, look back, and so so much is gone. Just gone. And you never realized it.

When we were younger, my sisters and I liked to play this joke, so to speak. We played hide and seek in the pool. I have no idea how. Go figure. One person would close their eyes and count. Meanwhile, the others would just run off, back inside the house. The one counting, of course, would turn around and no one would be there. You're just alone.

That's how it is right now. I've closed my eyes for a moment and realize I've been sleeping for too long. So much that it's difficult to accept that what's happened now, is what's going to be. I've got no control. And now that I look back, I'm just a whole lot of emptiness. A whole lot of sorrow. Sometimes, I can't believe how ungrateful I can be. But I just don't know what to turn to anymore.

There's nowhere to run.

It's just painful to think.. when someone you love just vanishes from your life. Just like that. When once someone would run after you when you turned away, when you run away now, you'd find yourself alone. Conversing with your own uncertainties and pouring salt into your own wounds.

It's not that I expect anybody to talk to me. That'd be asking for too much. I've got no responsibility or right to request that somebody help me with my burdens. I guess I can only ask that I'm guided with wisdom as to what to do, really.

I've just messed things up a bit for myself. Time and time again, I've been told, live in the day. Enjoy every moment. Acknowledge every breath. But easier said than done.

Every day I wake up, I ask myself, what am I doing? What is my impact? And I've got no answer, to be honest with you. I'm just waiting.. for I don't know what. Because I don't know where to search anymore.