What it is, to feel as though you can't be trusted.
I have no desire to live like this anymore.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
It's not just the rain tonight
Can't help, now, but to wonder what it's like to lose everything in a moment. Everything, if everything means anything at all. That is, to forget how to live, to forget how to love. Even if, we've neither lived nor loved. Or, perhaps, lose that already faint potential of knowing either, that hope and its reason for doubt. It's never more than an uncertainty and an insecurity. What is it, then, to quit breathing or to cease existing? Maybe it's heaven. Or maybe we're too hopelessly hopeful. Maybe, then, it's still hell.
To become nothing. I don't know if eternal peace is defined within the realm of my own truths. Granted, it's something we want to believe, but I don't know if I can. Not right now. I suppose, we can't have faith unless truth is embraced, amidst knowing that truth doesn't exist. At least, not here.
Sometimes, sleep and dreams feel like that emptiness, though still a realization of fears and desires. It's a strange thought. I've dreamed of life slipping away, a peculiar feeling like falling asleep and waking up. Dreams, perhaps, are not calming or happy or fulfilling, so to speak, but right now reality's not any better. I know, things could be worse. Things can always be worse, but somehow, that doesn't teach me to love living any more.
Living, living, living.. troubled by living. Perhaps, life is merely a reprieve from nothingness. In that case, nothingness imbued with the capacity to feel, to suffer, and to sin. Unknowing, though, and directionless. Of course, we're given no promises beyond doubt. Is it terrible and cowardly and selfish, then, to long for an escape so often that minutes and hours and days waste away to nothing but senseless thoughts and expectations?
Everything's so uncertain, once we've got no where to go. Walking aimlessly and thinking devilish thoughts and wanting to run from all this trouble you've conjured for yourself. Wanting to run from yourself. But still, to continue on. Well, I don't know if I'm willing anymore. Oh, it's so simple a thing to do.. to simply give up.
To become nothing. I don't know if eternal peace is defined within the realm of my own truths. Granted, it's something we want to believe, but I don't know if I can. Not right now. I suppose, we can't have faith unless truth is embraced, amidst knowing that truth doesn't exist. At least, not here.
Sometimes, sleep and dreams feel like that emptiness, though still a realization of fears and desires. It's a strange thought. I've dreamed of life slipping away, a peculiar feeling like falling asleep and waking up. Dreams, perhaps, are not calming or happy or fulfilling, so to speak, but right now reality's not any better. I know, things could be worse. Things can always be worse, but somehow, that doesn't teach me to love living any more.
Living, living, living.. troubled by living. Perhaps, life is merely a reprieve from nothingness. In that case, nothingness imbued with the capacity to feel, to suffer, and to sin. Unknowing, though, and directionless. Of course, we're given no promises beyond doubt. Is it terrible and cowardly and selfish, then, to long for an escape so often that minutes and hours and days waste away to nothing but senseless thoughts and expectations?
Everything's so uncertain, once we've got no where to go. Walking aimlessly and thinking devilish thoughts and wanting to run from all this trouble you've conjured for yourself. Wanting to run from yourself. But still, to continue on. Well, I don't know if I'm willing anymore. Oh, it's so simple a thing to do.. to simply give up.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I don't know what I'm saying
I can't seem to speak coherently right now. My thoughts are quite scattered.
Well, I've disappointed more people than I can take note of this week, myself included. I don't know why I don't care anymore. Motivation has ceased to exist, somehow. I'm sort of that coward you mentioned. I've accustomed myself to running from my problems, and now I can't face them properly and resolve the issues I've dug myself into.. yet again. It's consistent. I've set myself up for failure. I honestly don't want to associate with myself anymore. Though, that in itself would be impossible without a means to escape my own person. I'm at a lost as to where to go from here.
I have no direction. I haven't talked to God in a long time. I don't pray. I'm incredibly faithless and undevoted and I can't trust. Well, I'm illogically cynical towards everyone too. I don't remember the last time I went to church on Sunday. Do I feel empty without people? Do I feel empty without God? It feels so wrong to think like this, but these are the things that keep me awake. Always. I don't know if I believe in anything. Psychologically, they say that religion is supposed to be that moral backbone, that sense of support and that sense of principles. But believing nothing is believing something all the same. I don't know if I'm a happier person because of it. No, I don't think so. I guess I can't make sense of what I believe to be true. There is no truth except for having faith, that will to know when, in reality, you don't know. My faith is short-lived, ephemeral, quick to fade. Yet, I'm having an incredibly difficult time trying to let go of the things I may or may not believe in. I don't know why. The need for something to explain something I can't explain. Desperation for reason and for the assertion that things don't just end here. Longing for some purpose that I've lost sight of. Want to believe, but do I? Even now, I can't answer that for myself. I fear my own truths.
It's all the same with people. I don't understand people. I'm not entirely comfortable with people. That is why a lot of my relationships are like the frazzled ends of a cord. The more I leave them untended, the more they uncoil and eventually fall apart. Acquaintances, knowing people. It's rarely ever more than a hello, and I'm lucky if it's even that. I don't know people beyond a few words and a few conversations. They don't know me beyond knowing I'm just an idiot who doesn't know who she is. The end. I'm not sure if I can live with knowing that I don't put in more than a half-hearted effort trying to know people. I guess, on some levels, I've let go of trying to connect.
Lonely is just something you get used to. Fickle. I can't seem to not hurt people. So there. As long as I'm not stepping on other people's toes, I'm okay with that.
Well, expectations seem to end precisely in the moment. It's strange trying to think beyond just now. To me, there's little to expect other than bleak days following this one and the next.
Well, I've disappointed more people than I can take note of this week, myself included. I don't know why I don't care anymore. Motivation has ceased to exist, somehow. I'm sort of that coward you mentioned. I've accustomed myself to running from my problems, and now I can't face them properly and resolve the issues I've dug myself into.. yet again. It's consistent. I've set myself up for failure. I honestly don't want to associate with myself anymore. Though, that in itself would be impossible without a means to escape my own person. I'm at a lost as to where to go from here.
I have no direction. I haven't talked to God in a long time. I don't pray. I'm incredibly faithless and undevoted and I can't trust. Well, I'm illogically cynical towards everyone too. I don't remember the last time I went to church on Sunday. Do I feel empty without people? Do I feel empty without God? It feels so wrong to think like this, but these are the things that keep me awake. Always. I don't know if I believe in anything. Psychologically, they say that religion is supposed to be that moral backbone, that sense of support and that sense of principles. But believing nothing is believing something all the same. I don't know if I'm a happier person because of it. No, I don't think so. I guess I can't make sense of what I believe to be true. There is no truth except for having faith, that will to know when, in reality, you don't know. My faith is short-lived, ephemeral, quick to fade. Yet, I'm having an incredibly difficult time trying to let go of the things I may or may not believe in. I don't know why. The need for something to explain something I can't explain. Desperation for reason and for the assertion that things don't just end here. Longing for some purpose that I've lost sight of. Want to believe, but do I? Even now, I can't answer that for myself. I fear my own truths.
It's all the same with people. I don't understand people. I'm not entirely comfortable with people. That is why a lot of my relationships are like the frazzled ends of a cord. The more I leave them untended, the more they uncoil and eventually fall apart. Acquaintances, knowing people. It's rarely ever more than a hello, and I'm lucky if it's even that. I don't know people beyond a few words and a few conversations. They don't know me beyond knowing I'm just an idiot who doesn't know who she is. The end. I'm not sure if I can live with knowing that I don't put in more than a half-hearted effort trying to know people. I guess, on some levels, I've let go of trying to connect.
Lonely is just something you get used to. Fickle. I can't seem to not hurt people. So there. As long as I'm not stepping on other people's toes, I'm okay with that.
Well, expectations seem to end precisely in the moment. It's strange trying to think beyond just now. To me, there's little to expect other than bleak days following this one and the next.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Only the cat comes when it's called
I'm frustrated with myself. How, we're so separated and so distanced. I don't know. When things used to be fine, there wouldn't be these awkward silences. Maybe it's because I grew distanced for a while and, now, it's just not the same. There are things I can't promise. Things that seem to define what friendship is. I can't assure that I'll ever be able to lift your spirits when you feel you're falling apart. I can't offer positive thoughts without sounding insincere. Laughter is the closest distance between two people? I'm not inclined to smile and laugh either. I guess it's this. I've been asked, why don't all the lonely people just come together? We want to be alone? We're used to being alone? We push people away? We're just too oblivious to it all to realize there's a solution? Maybe. Or it's just that lonely and lonely don't mesh and only spawn more of that emptiness. I want to say that I don't care. I'd like to let go and say it's better that way. In reality, it is. It just is. I'm brimming with empty feeling, empty emotion, and I seem no longer to really hear, at all. Being that way, I'm better off alone. That's right. Don't waste your time trying to talk to me. Eventually, it'll all disintegrate to nothing anyway.
Well, it's still the same. Music is the only thing that's holding me together. Just about the only thing. It's hard to get up in the morning. It's difficult to fall asleep. It's disheartening enough just to try to get through the day. Here's my problem. I've lost sense of reason. When can I or, rather, will I start caring again?
Well, it's still the same. Music is the only thing that's holding me together. Just about the only thing. It's hard to get up in the morning. It's difficult to fall asleep. It's disheartening enough just to try to get through the day. Here's my problem. I've lost sense of reason. When can I or, rather, will I start caring again?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thoughts
Unsure and uncertain, and just about everything in between.
Prayers. I don't think I know how to pray. My second grade teacher always told me, "People who haven't accepted Jesus into their hearts can't connect with Him. They cannot experience His grace. There's a block wall separating them from God." That's what I see when I pray. A concrete, block wall and me and my sins isolated from whatever else exists. Some time before, I felt something else, as though my words had some sort of destination. As though I trusted my words into this darkness, and this darkness would swallow the whole of my burdens. It's different now. My faith is wavering, and I still don't know what I believe.
I've called myself Christian, but it's something I can't define. All these denominations. Church of God. Baptist. Presbyterian. Methodist. Lutheran. Brethren. I've been told a Christian is simply, "Just like everyone else, only that he has accepted God and has asked Him to cleanse him of his sins." But labeling is dangerous, because we've made it so. I guess I'm afraid to call myself a Christian, because I don't know what that term itself entails. Or rather, how it's defined in other minds. Can I say that following God is the belief in love? Loving God, loving yourself, and loving others. Or are there limits and conditions? Can anything really clash with love when that's your only policy? The specifics. There's things I disagree with. Romans 1:26-27. I don't think God meant it for us to condemn homosexuality. Love is love, all the same. It's one of the things that's made me question labeling. I don't want to label myself as Christian if Christian means not everyone is to be loved in the same way. It's also the interpretation of the Bible. People have tried to use verses to dislodge Christian values, same as Christians have used verses to defend personal values and cases (oddly, I'm reminded of that one case that used "WWJD" as the value criterion, but that's irrelevant, though amusing for sure). I guess these verses need to be read in light of other verses. Which is why I think love is the umbrella concept for Christianity. For all the things that fall underneath it, love must be prioritized as the value preached and practiced.
Anyway, to some extent, labeling is just our way of putting a name to things. Putting a name to our beliefs and nothing more. On that note, I don't believe labeling is significant or necessary. I simply won't label myself with the specifics, because I'm not entirely sure what I believe.
On to other things. This week. Agitated. You know, I still can't believe him. That he'd have the audacity to shake his head that morning, "His career's ruined." I didn't know Mr. O personally, was never taught by him, but I refuse to believe that empty statement of "his career's ruined." I have a list of words. It's titled "words that I can't use without sounding cliche or meaningless." Passion is on that list. Yet, this may be the situation where passion has an exception. He is passionate and there is passion for all the things he does.. and so little to stop it. We will get through this. I only hope opinion and impression won't change simply because of all the unfounded rumors and assumptions. We don't know anything. No more speculation, please please please. Pray he's back. Soon. School just doesn't seem the same. Empty, some way or another.
Worry takes root in being uncertain. It's difficult to ward off uncertainty when you don't even know what you're uncertain about. It's just about the same concept as trying to "be yourself" when you don't know what self is.
Baroque music is just about the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I listen to it every night. Yes.
Prayers. I don't think I know how to pray. My second grade teacher always told me, "People who haven't accepted Jesus into their hearts can't connect with Him. They cannot experience His grace. There's a block wall separating them from God." That's what I see when I pray. A concrete, block wall and me and my sins isolated from whatever else exists. Some time before, I felt something else, as though my words had some sort of destination. As though I trusted my words into this darkness, and this darkness would swallow the whole of my burdens. It's different now. My faith is wavering, and I still don't know what I believe.
I've called myself Christian, but it's something I can't define. All these denominations. Church of God. Baptist. Presbyterian. Methodist. Lutheran. Brethren. I've been told a Christian is simply, "Just like everyone else, only that he has accepted God and has asked Him to cleanse him of his sins." But labeling is dangerous, because we've made it so. I guess I'm afraid to call myself a Christian, because I don't know what that term itself entails. Or rather, how it's defined in other minds. Can I say that following God is the belief in love? Loving God, loving yourself, and loving others. Or are there limits and conditions? Can anything really clash with love when that's your only policy? The specifics. There's things I disagree with. Romans 1:26-27. I don't think God meant it for us to condemn homosexuality. Love is love, all the same. It's one of the things that's made me question labeling. I don't want to label myself as Christian if Christian means not everyone is to be loved in the same way. It's also the interpretation of the Bible. People have tried to use verses to dislodge Christian values, same as Christians have used verses to defend personal values and cases (oddly, I'm reminded of that one case that used "WWJD" as the value criterion, but that's irrelevant, though amusing for sure). I guess these verses need to be read in light of other verses. Which is why I think love is the umbrella concept for Christianity. For all the things that fall underneath it, love must be prioritized as the value preached and practiced.
Anyway, to some extent, labeling is just our way of putting a name to things. Putting a name to our beliefs and nothing more. On that note, I don't believe labeling is significant or necessary. I simply won't label myself with the specifics, because I'm not entirely sure what I believe.
On to other things. This week. Agitated. You know, I still can't believe him. That he'd have the audacity to shake his head that morning, "His career's ruined." I didn't know Mr. O personally, was never taught by him, but I refuse to believe that empty statement of "his career's ruined." I have a list of words. It's titled "words that I can't use without sounding cliche or meaningless." Passion is on that list. Yet, this may be the situation where passion has an exception. He is passionate and there is passion for all the things he does.. and so little to stop it. We will get through this. I only hope opinion and impression won't change simply because of all the unfounded rumors and assumptions. We don't know anything. No more speculation, please please please. Pray he's back. Soon. School just doesn't seem the same. Empty, some way or another.
Worry takes root in being uncertain. It's difficult to ward off uncertainty when you don't even know what you're uncertain about. It's just about the same concept as trying to "be yourself" when you don't know what self is.
Baroque music is just about the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I listen to it every night. Yes.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Nothing Significant
Haven't anything important to say nowadays. Nothing to say, for that matter.
I've figured that no matter how much I sleep, I still feel tired. Two hours, ten. Doesn't matter. Maybe it's just the optimism concept. Or not. Or my personality is just boring. Which I thoroughly believe it is. I don't have that honed skill for irony or humor. I bore myself sometimes. Most of the time. But, that's besides the point.
I don't feel very inclined towards connecting with people. Or maybe it's the other way around. Then again, the silence does become deafening when you've listened to it too often.
Useless and uncertain, two words to describe situations. More and more, I'm finding the need to be something, someone. So that, if someone arbitrarily decides to murder me, he cannot claim: inherently false accusations, you can't take the life of a girl who's never lived! Of course, a single existence can never mean so much to the world as it does to, say, the people themselves. The world.. progresses? No, that's not the right word. Regresses.. It just moves on. One person won't ever mean so much to the world, collectively, to keep time at a stand still. And, of course, this couldn't happen. Otherwise, reality itself would be torn to shambles.
Anyhow, I've thought about it some today. The world wouldn't notice if I, somehow, ceased to exist. And I guess it wouldn't matter. Simple enough, though, it just kills me to live without having this living mean anything. I'm just going through the motions. And for that reason, I am so very selfish.
As a reason for that reason, I need people in my life. Not just people to depend on, but people to depend on me. I guess that in itself is selfish. Yet, I can't keep fearing people. I don't want to keep fearing people. And, so, all the more reason to keep training Bear.. and looking for opportunities to invest my time in. Because, I think, sleep is a small compromise for making my time mean something.
Well, I feel very much at the edge of my patience. No particular reason other than myself. Is it right that a Christian has chanced upon more temples, housing idols and statues and the like, than doors of the church? I am going to the temple. So I can tell of all my troubles to the monks' dog and cat. Well, not really.
I've figured that no matter how much I sleep, I still feel tired. Two hours, ten. Doesn't matter. Maybe it's just the optimism concept. Or not. Or my personality is just boring. Which I thoroughly believe it is. I don't have that honed skill for irony or humor. I bore myself sometimes. Most of the time. But, that's besides the point.
I don't feel very inclined towards connecting with people. Or maybe it's the other way around. Then again, the silence does become deafening when you've listened to it too often.
Useless and uncertain, two words to describe situations. More and more, I'm finding the need to be something, someone. So that, if someone arbitrarily decides to murder me, he cannot claim: inherently false accusations, you can't take the life of a girl who's never lived! Of course, a single existence can never mean so much to the world as it does to, say, the people themselves. The world.. progresses? No, that's not the right word. Regresses.. It just moves on. One person won't ever mean so much to the world, collectively, to keep time at a stand still. And, of course, this couldn't happen. Otherwise, reality itself would be torn to shambles.
Anyhow, I've thought about it some today. The world wouldn't notice if I, somehow, ceased to exist. And I guess it wouldn't matter. Simple enough, though, it just kills me to live without having this living mean anything. I'm just going through the motions. And for that reason, I am so very selfish.
As a reason for that reason, I need people in my life. Not just people to depend on, but people to depend on me. I guess that in itself is selfish. Yet, I can't keep fearing people. I don't want to keep fearing people. And, so, all the more reason to keep training Bear.. and looking for opportunities to invest my time in. Because, I think, sleep is a small compromise for making my time mean something.
Well, I feel very much at the edge of my patience. No particular reason other than myself. Is it right that a Christian has chanced upon more temples, housing idols and statues and the like, than doors of the church? I am going to the temple. So I can tell of all my troubles to the monks' dog and cat. Well, not really.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Back where I started
Rather coincidental the sky decided to bear another mask today. As if we decided to push time back a year. Or perhaps I was just imagining things. Dark days.. that have since more than vividly embedded themselves into the recesses of my mind.. it's all coming back.
It'd be unnecessary now to say, "Time flies." Of course, "time flies" is reserved.. for nostalgic recollections.. or when I run out of things to say. I don't know. Yes, they say time flies when you're having fun. It still does every second a human being is alive. What is time, anyway? Perhaps.. a mere measurement, a number. Can time exist once people cease to? Can life be measured by time? Who is to say.. that any of my seconds or my days behold any real meaning.. beyond just a numerical value? Time.. still wastes away even as you're alive but not living.
Well, I wish I could.. not project my troubles onto other people. There's more bothering me than just that surface of what I'm willing to say. I'm sorry I can't pretend. Sorry that I can't just laugh it off. Sorry that I can't fool myself into thinking that situations are better.. that I'm moving forward when I'm really moving back.
It's hard to laugh and smile. And harder when I think about it later. But I suppose that's what's expected. Don't go killing the mood, no. I suppose it is best to do anything.. as long as I'm not hurting anyone else. I wonder if it easy to pretend. Or if the world has to. Or if the world is just more grateful that I'd ever be.
Maybe the world is indeed lonely.. and I'm just not taking the time to notice. What I've come to realize.. we all prance through life as though it were a masquerade.
It'd be unnecessary now to say, "Time flies." Of course, "time flies" is reserved.. for nostalgic recollections.. or when I run out of things to say. I don't know. Yes, they say time flies when you're having fun. It still does every second a human being is alive. What is time, anyway? Perhaps.. a mere measurement, a number. Can time exist once people cease to? Can life be measured by time? Who is to say.. that any of my seconds or my days behold any real meaning.. beyond just a numerical value? Time.. still wastes away even as you're alive but not living.
Well, I wish I could.. not project my troubles onto other people. There's more bothering me than just that surface of what I'm willing to say. I'm sorry I can't pretend. Sorry that I can't just laugh it off. Sorry that I can't fool myself into thinking that situations are better.. that I'm moving forward when I'm really moving back.
It's hard to laugh and smile. And harder when I think about it later. But I suppose that's what's expected. Don't go killing the mood, no. I suppose it is best to do anything.. as long as I'm not hurting anyone else. I wonder if it easy to pretend. Or if the world has to. Or if the world is just more grateful that I'd ever be.
Maybe the world is indeed lonely.. and I'm just not taking the time to notice. What I've come to realize.. we all prance through life as though it were a masquerade.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Listening
I don't like the judge's room. Young people abuse power when it's given to them. Yes. Thank you for restricting oral critiques from student judges. I'm just slightly offended and slightly annoyed. Funny thing how people talk as though no one is listening. Sure, you went on insulting her right after you glanced around the room to make sure she wasn't there. Your insults would have worked just perfectly, concealed between you and your friends. Too bad the teammates of your subject of ridicule were sitting right behind you. Part of me wanted to turn around and politely request that you stop. And part of me just wanted to sit there and laugh on the inside.. at how careless you were to make that mistake in the first place.. because, frankly, I believe this girl you pointlessly criticized behind her back is amazing at what she does.
Today.. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel very.. disoriented. I might as well just go to sleep.. literally giving up because I'm just clear out of it today. Hardly know what I'm saying, hardly listening at the same time. But no.. I'll just drink cold water.. and work.. because I need to.. I'm awefully behind. The more I break apart, it seems, the more I'm wanting to be alone.. with only silence as a companion. Bothers me.. how I can be satisifed with just that now.
With me, it seems.. passion dies down quickly. Nope, nothing's going to wait for me to start living.
My cousin is in California now.. please keep him in your prayers. And I haven't heard from his family in a few months, but Michael too.. healed by His hands. Pray that the family keeps their eyes focused on God through this ordeal. This reminds me of the fishermen in Matthews. We'll be guided if we allow ourselves to be. I'm going to memorize Psalm 23 again.. it's comforting.
Today.. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel very.. disoriented. I might as well just go to sleep.. literally giving up because I'm just clear out of it today. Hardly know what I'm saying, hardly listening at the same time. But no.. I'll just drink cold water.. and work.. because I need to.. I'm awefully behind. The more I break apart, it seems, the more I'm wanting to be alone.. with only silence as a companion. Bothers me.. how I can be satisifed with just that now.
With me, it seems.. passion dies down quickly. Nope, nothing's going to wait for me to start living.
My cousin is in California now.. please keep him in your prayers. And I haven't heard from his family in a few months, but Michael too.. healed by His hands. Pray that the family keeps their eyes focused on God through this ordeal. This reminds me of the fishermen in Matthews. We'll be guided if we allow ourselves to be. I'm going to memorize Psalm 23 again.. it's comforting.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Drained
I'm tired. I don't think I heard anything anyone said today. Barely, anyway. Suppose I've just been impatient. Always getting this odd feeling every now and then.. when it'd seem nice if people talked twice their normal speed. More things done.. less time.. but, no, that doesn't always work for me either.. I'm just inexplicably annoyed at the moment. Though.. conversations are nice.. when they're not tense.. but simply punctuated with pauses for thought.. and just relaxed.
I really despise.. the fact that people make assumptions about my dog before they know anything. It's.. animal.. prejudice.. or something. Like how dungbeetles receive little attention from those "save the species" or "save the planet" organizations. It's true. Save the polar bears. But why don't we have.. save the dung beetle campaigns? That baffles me. Evident reason.. they're not furry and cuddly and probably don't pull as many human emotions that way.. Well, I don't know. That was a far stretch. Anyway, parkgoers enjoy attacking me with spontaneous comments (though, not always directly). "Ooooh that mean dog is going to bite you." "She's not good like the other one." Points to fluffy little dog. (Okay, then.) "That dog is mean!" (Shouting from across the street.) "Careful! Biting dog!!" (Just because I say do not speak Vietnamese does not mean I do not understand it. Interesting how people assume I don't understand what they are saying. And they say things and then just smile at me as though nothing happened.) I guess I am being quite defensive and very sensitive, but I honestly won't take any of this. I cannot and will not parallel these expectations. Yes, on some level, I am afraid of big dogs. The puncture scars are fading on my wrists.. but I am still inexplicably scared. Maybe dog owners trust their own dogs too much. Yet, I see no need for these spontaneous assumptions.. when I am not allowing my dog to run loose. Shepherds are service dogs.. and we are still working on it. Her social skills.. and mine at the same time. Having a dog is nice in that sense.. being able to connect to people. But yet, these assumptions do get in the way. Still, I personally think.. she's doing spendidly well.. for being a puppy.
My wrists keep clicking. I'm starting to get annoyed. But I love this song. It has this certain.. sense of motion to it. I don't know. Music wakes up this part of me.. that's been asleep.. dormant.. And for some reason, I'll feel all the more alive.
Is it possible to be cliche with God? I don't know why I'm posing this question.. but I don't think so. Yet, I do think I'm being laughed at for what I said.. Oh well, so be it.
Wonderful thing.. she knows Jesus and her heart is strong because of that. Life isn't easy to look at in an optimistic way.. particularly when the streets are all you know. But I admire her.. for that. There is more to be admired than the familiar.. or the heralded. I prefer to think of people as people. People are strong. If they choose to be. And people are amazing. If they choose to use this strength in the right way. There's some beauty in people.. yet, she simply chooses not to flaunt it. Or perhaps, she is so deep in God's grace and giving.. that she can just be. I wish people would take the time to see that.. instead of taking detours just to avoid her corner. She told me about her church. Her husband plays guitar and bass.
I guess.. I've come to a conclusion. It's not right to be disrespectful.. to prove some point. I'm ashamed.. at some of the things I've heard. Sure, we all preach finding ways to resolve a problem. Yet, it goes unobserved in our actions. People are controlled by the heat of the moment.. and their emotions within that moment. I've felt that countless times.. I say something and realize the implications of it later. So I'll try not to speak.. until I have balanced emotion with reason. The straightforward insult just isn't right.. can we not negotiate? Suggest? Arguing will not accomplish anything. I understand the complaints.. yet, it's not easy to do something when you're forced. I'll let my complaints stop with me.. because I'm done discussing this. Yes, there are problems with the system. It is simply pointless, though, to argue without some level of concession.. because we're not in any ways better. There is still learning to be done.
Well, a year.. and these thoughts are still incredibly painful.. Rather, I can't say that. Everything is in some way a good memory.. simply overshadowed by this one, solitary thought. I can't and will never adjust to a life that I never knew.. nor will I ever be able to fully accept living without the life I'd lived for fifteen years or so. It just doesn't work that way. It's still hard for me to believe. One thought is enough to shatter so much. Every morning, even still, it just gets harder knowing it's another day I'll have to get through without you. I won't ever stop missing anything and everything about all that time.. It's time I'll only ever live through once. When I walk in the garden, it's alone now. And there's not so many people willing to smile at me... even when I'm not. You know, what's the strangest thing.. standing on that hill with its stony faces.. Time may last.. but the seconds don't. Though, I am comforted by thoughts of some sort. Dreams.. though they're not reality... they're real enough in this sense.. Perhaps, it's living the memories we never had the seconds to live, not here anyway..
I really despise.. the fact that people make assumptions about my dog before they know anything. It's.. animal.. prejudice.. or something. Like how dungbeetles receive little attention from those "save the species" or "save the planet" organizations. It's true. Save the polar bears. But why don't we have.. save the dung beetle campaigns? That baffles me. Evident reason.. they're not furry and cuddly and probably don't pull as many human emotions that way.. Well, I don't know. That was a far stretch. Anyway, parkgoers enjoy attacking me with spontaneous comments (though, not always directly). "Ooooh that mean dog is going to bite you." "She's not good like the other one." Points to fluffy little dog. (Okay, then.) "That dog is mean!" (Shouting from across the street.) "Careful! Biting dog!!" (Just because I say do not speak Vietnamese does not mean I do not understand it. Interesting how people assume I don't understand what they are saying. And they say things and then just smile at me as though nothing happened.) I guess I am being quite defensive and very sensitive, but I honestly won't take any of this. I cannot and will not parallel these expectations. Yes, on some level, I am afraid of big dogs. The puncture scars are fading on my wrists.. but I am still inexplicably scared. Maybe dog owners trust their own dogs too much. Yet, I see no need for these spontaneous assumptions.. when I am not allowing my dog to run loose. Shepherds are service dogs.. and we are still working on it. Her social skills.. and mine at the same time. Having a dog is nice in that sense.. being able to connect to people. But yet, these assumptions do get in the way. Still, I personally think.. she's doing spendidly well.. for being a puppy.
My wrists keep clicking. I'm starting to get annoyed. But I love this song. It has this certain.. sense of motion to it. I don't know. Music wakes up this part of me.. that's been asleep.. dormant.. And for some reason, I'll feel all the more alive.
Is it possible to be cliche with God? I don't know why I'm posing this question.. but I don't think so. Yet, I do think I'm being laughed at for what I said.. Oh well, so be it.
Wonderful thing.. she knows Jesus and her heart is strong because of that. Life isn't easy to look at in an optimistic way.. particularly when the streets are all you know. But I admire her.. for that. There is more to be admired than the familiar.. or the heralded. I prefer to think of people as people. People are strong. If they choose to be. And people are amazing. If they choose to use this strength in the right way. There's some beauty in people.. yet, she simply chooses not to flaunt it. Or perhaps, she is so deep in God's grace and giving.. that she can just be. I wish people would take the time to see that.. instead of taking detours just to avoid her corner. She told me about her church. Her husband plays guitar and bass.
I guess.. I've come to a conclusion. It's not right to be disrespectful.. to prove some point. I'm ashamed.. at some of the things I've heard. Sure, we all preach finding ways to resolve a problem. Yet, it goes unobserved in our actions. People are controlled by the heat of the moment.. and their emotions within that moment. I've felt that countless times.. I say something and realize the implications of it later. So I'll try not to speak.. until I have balanced emotion with reason. The straightforward insult just isn't right.. can we not negotiate? Suggest? Arguing will not accomplish anything. I understand the complaints.. yet, it's not easy to do something when you're forced. I'll let my complaints stop with me.. because I'm done discussing this. Yes, there are problems with the system. It is simply pointless, though, to argue without some level of concession.. because we're not in any ways better. There is still learning to be done.
Well, a year.. and these thoughts are still incredibly painful.. Rather, I can't say that. Everything is in some way a good memory.. simply overshadowed by this one, solitary thought. I can't and will never adjust to a life that I never knew.. nor will I ever be able to fully accept living without the life I'd lived for fifteen years or so. It just doesn't work that way. It's still hard for me to believe. One thought is enough to shatter so much. Every morning, even still, it just gets harder knowing it's another day I'll have to get through without you. I won't ever stop missing anything and everything about all that time.. It's time I'll only ever live through once. When I walk in the garden, it's alone now. And there's not so many people willing to smile at me... even when I'm not. You know, what's the strangest thing.. standing on that hill with its stony faces.. Time may last.. but the seconds don't. Though, I am comforted by thoughts of some sort. Dreams.. though they're not reality... they're real enough in this sense.. Perhaps, it's living the memories we never had the seconds to live, not here anyway..
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Scared senseless
I want to run.. far away. And I'll hope not to see the same faces that said 'bye' not too long ago. Why did I tell you my name? Because you told me yours. They were little, cousins, and a baby. Whatever good or connection existed, though, I really don't care anymore. I'm neither inclined to hope.. nor inclined to trust.
Sometimes I wish people just stayed away. I'm nervous. I'm unstable. I'm insecure. I'm fickle. And I'm just not worth talking to. I can only smile and talk for so long. But, no, it just doesn't feel right.
Sometimes I wish people just stayed away. I'm nervous. I'm unstable. I'm insecure. I'm fickle. And I'm just not worth talking to. I can only smile and talk for so long. But, no, it just doesn't feel right.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Here again
Suddenly.. I feel so distant. Maybe it'll change, eventually. I just don't feel as comfortable around people I used to spend so much time with. Perhaps because I haven't spent too much time around people. It's just awkward. I feel like I'm forcing myself to laugh just to be sociable.
OCD is getting the best of me. It's difficult to describe. A numbing sort of pain. Certain things just trigger an alarm in my mind, and it's utterly intolerable. Familiarity is one thing, but the repetition quite literally drives me insane. It's one of those things I want to control.. but can't. I think I must have had more control in the past. Now I just feel like that one mailbox person.
The girl's hardly a puppy anymore. I haven't seen her much in the past two days, but I don't remember her being that tall. I don't know. If it works out, I hope she can make someone's struggles a bit more tolerable. Therapy animals can do things people fail to do, sometimes.
Someone else speaks my language. It's incredibly exciting. Though it's not much of a concern right now, I mourn the day we sacrifice all culture and heritage and background and history for the sake of convenience and popular communication. Language being torn to pieces. Really, people are its appendages and its way of movement. A precursor to Babel's end?
I'm not functioning properly right now. I need to find a block of time to just sleep, eventually. It's just.. there's little peace of mind sleeping at the usual hours. I think I fell asleep for some time in the mpr today. Oh well. I think that might be why I'm not as tired as I should be right now.
Pharmacy. "You make a lot of money and it's easy--there's a lot of repetition." I disagree with the last point. Despite the good intentions, I won't let myself be drawn to something.. just because it's lucrative. I don't want to spend my life pursuing these wordly profits. Honestly, it seems like that passion for learning.. doesn't mean much anymore, does it? All things done for the money or the fame. It's a funny thing. I'm not understood. Well, I think some people assume they know me more than they might. "It's memorizing.. and not a lot of challenge, you do much of the same things. You don't have to deal with people." Though I highly doubt that's the truth of it all--it semms to underestimate pharmaceuticology quite a bit. Yet, the concept of maybe existing without a challenge.. does not sound very appealing. Anyhow, it's just sickening to enter a field not feeling very passionate about it.. just to earn the profits. Furnishing, particularly the medical field, with people just going through the motions. I'll try not to generalize. I have seen some absolutely amazing people who no less than love what they do. I'm just troubled by maybe never finding that passion. It's lacking.
Anyway, I haven't found the right words to express what I'd like to say. I think the past ten years have changed more than I've realized. Or want to realize, anyway.
Oh, and it is me.
OCD is getting the best of me. It's difficult to describe. A numbing sort of pain. Certain things just trigger an alarm in my mind, and it's utterly intolerable. Familiarity is one thing, but the repetition quite literally drives me insane. It's one of those things I want to control.. but can't. I think I must have had more control in the past. Now I just feel like that one mailbox person.
The girl's hardly a puppy anymore. I haven't seen her much in the past two days, but I don't remember her being that tall. I don't know. If it works out, I hope she can make someone's struggles a bit more tolerable. Therapy animals can do things people fail to do, sometimes.
Someone else speaks my language. It's incredibly exciting. Though it's not much of a concern right now, I mourn the day we sacrifice all culture and heritage and background and history for the sake of convenience and popular communication. Language being torn to pieces. Really, people are its appendages and its way of movement. A precursor to Babel's end?
I'm not functioning properly right now. I need to find a block of time to just sleep, eventually. It's just.. there's little peace of mind sleeping at the usual hours. I think I fell asleep for some time in the mpr today. Oh well. I think that might be why I'm not as tired as I should be right now.
Pharmacy. "You make a lot of money and it's easy--there's a lot of repetition." I disagree with the last point. Despite the good intentions, I won't let myself be drawn to something.. just because it's lucrative. I don't want to spend my life pursuing these wordly profits. Honestly, it seems like that passion for learning.. doesn't mean much anymore, does it? All things done for the money or the fame. It's a funny thing. I'm not understood. Well, I think some people assume they know me more than they might. "It's memorizing.. and not a lot of challenge, you do much of the same things. You don't have to deal with people." Though I highly doubt that's the truth of it all--it semms to underestimate pharmaceuticology quite a bit. Yet, the concept of maybe existing without a challenge.. does not sound very appealing. Anyhow, it's just sickening to enter a field not feeling very passionate about it.. just to earn the profits. Furnishing, particularly the medical field, with people just going through the motions. I'll try not to generalize. I have seen some absolutely amazing people who no less than love what they do. I'm just troubled by maybe never finding that passion. It's lacking.
Anyway, I haven't found the right words to express what I'd like to say. I think the past ten years have changed more than I've realized. Or want to realize, anyway.
Oh, and it is me.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Now then
I've been wearing dark, solemn clothes for the past few months. Originally, because bright colors make me nervous. Eventually, because that's all I could see myself in. Today, I decided to don a striped light blue shirt. I feel better. Some of the confidence is creeping back.
Maybe, I've got a friend. That's all I want. Not somebody who's afraid to talk to me because they think they'd be a burden to me. Just somebody who'd talk to me as readily as I to them. He's a nice kid from Sri Lanka. He doesn't speak English fluently, but.. I haven't been pushed away for my usual "boringness." Yet. We'll see.
I think that's all I use the internet for now (besides this). Letters from foreign countries, telling me about their life and their culture. Who cares, now, for those social networking sites. Friends lists.. congested with people I've exchanged little more than a "hello" with. I don't think I'll be signing on as much anymore. I don't really need it.
I don't like walking into spiderwebs. Multicolored spiders.. or clear, yellowish spiders really really scare me. Really scare me. And I'm not joking. Correction. All spiders scare me. I can't get over it. A spider was crawling over the chair. Now, I can't even step near that chair without shivering. I just go berserk without myself knowing it and it's uncontrollable. I just prefer to stay clear of these.. creatures. I was looking for my dog outside and I was inches away from this web.. infested with a ton of little spiders. There were so many of them. So many. I think I could have fainted. It was terrifying. Oh well.
Today's the same. Never complete. I'm still struggling with the thought.
Maybe, I've got a friend. That's all I want. Not somebody who's afraid to talk to me because they think they'd be a burden to me. Just somebody who'd talk to me as readily as I to them. He's a nice kid from Sri Lanka. He doesn't speak English fluently, but.. I haven't been pushed away for my usual "boringness." Yet. We'll see.
I think that's all I use the internet for now (besides this). Letters from foreign countries, telling me about their life and their culture. Who cares, now, for those social networking sites. Friends lists.. congested with people I've exchanged little more than a "hello" with. I don't think I'll be signing on as much anymore. I don't really need it.
I don't like walking into spiderwebs. Multicolored spiders.. or clear, yellowish spiders really really scare me. Really scare me. And I'm not joking. Correction. All spiders scare me. I can't get over it. A spider was crawling over the chair. Now, I can't even step near that chair without shivering. I just go berserk without myself knowing it and it's uncontrollable. I just prefer to stay clear of these.. creatures. I was looking for my dog outside and I was inches away from this web.. infested with a ton of little spiders. There were so many of them. So many. I think I could have fainted. It was terrifying. Oh well.
Today's the same. Never complete. I'm still struggling with the thought.
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be
This is how it's supposed to be
Looking forward as we rewind
Looking back is a trap sometimes
Being here is so easy to do
If you want to
-Supposed to be, Jack Johnson
Staying up
Hello. It's almost three in the morning. I just finished making mum's birthday cake.
I like that variation of mom. Although, I prefer mami when speaking in my native language. Mom sounds strange in my mouth and mommy sounds too desperately American-cute. Mother, too priggish and formal. And it downplays that personal connection. Australian cousins say mum too, along with other terms like "that's a bookie" and "that one's a ripper" (referring to photos) in their amazing accents.
I've been thinking things over a bit. I know it's been so long, but I still can't see myself going on. I just can't just get over things. And this is something that, perhaps, I will never get over. Because, I don't know. Maybe I'm just expecting that one day I'll wake up and things will be back the way they were before.. complete. Not perfect but just fuller.
There's some regret here and there. I don't believe that we can live without regret. Immediate regret is, well, imminent. Living without regrets.. requires you accept and love things the way they are. Maybe not now, not in a year, ten years, or twenty one and fifty six days. But someday, when we've realized why we're here, what's our purpose.
A lot of reminiscing about childhood. I remember.. how I fell on the corner of the table, over the sidewalk, etc. and the adults would immediately slap the inanimate object and scold it "bad table!" It's bittersweet. I miss those carefree days and growing up isn't easy.. but I'll learn to accept it. And I'll love the people that I love.. and hold all that close to me. We need that more than anything.
Written. We shall see if I get a response.
I like that variation of mom. Although, I prefer mami when speaking in my native language. Mom sounds strange in my mouth and mommy sounds too desperately American-cute. Mother, too priggish and formal. And it downplays that personal connection. Australian cousins say mum too, along with other terms like "that's a bookie" and "that one's a ripper" (referring to photos) in their amazing accents.
I've been thinking things over a bit. I know it's been so long, but I still can't see myself going on. I just can't just get over things. And this is something that, perhaps, I will never get over. Because, I don't know. Maybe I'm just expecting that one day I'll wake up and things will be back the way they were before.. complete. Not perfect but just fuller.
There's some regret here and there. I don't believe that we can live without regret. Immediate regret is, well, imminent. Living without regrets.. requires you accept and love things the way they are. Maybe not now, not in a year, ten years, or twenty one and fifty six days. But someday, when we've realized why we're here, what's our purpose.
A lot of reminiscing about childhood. I remember.. how I fell on the corner of the table, over the sidewalk, etc. and the adults would immediately slap the inanimate object and scold it "bad table!" It's bittersweet. I miss those carefree days and growing up isn't easy.. but I'll learn to accept it. And I'll love the people that I love.. and hold all that close to me. We need that more than anything.
Written. We shall see if I get a response.
Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
-Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Oh my
Flipping goodness. I'm so mad I could hit myself. I feel like a villain slash heartless witch. My brother wrapped up this newborn bird that fell from its nest so it wouldn't get cold. When I returned home from walking the dogs, one of them went by the wayside and I didn't give notice (it was dark). She carried and deposited it by the garage door (not killing it though. I don't understand why, but she puts everything in her mouth. She tried eating dustbunnies while I was cleaning today). I went to put the dogs inside and by the time I got back, my sister's friends were stepping on it! What the hell! Why couldn't I have carried it back before?
I don't know why the hell I can't set my priorities straight. My brother found it later. "Me and Bryan were supposed to watch over that bird and let it go when it could fly. We fed it yogurt today." I seriously kill everyone's plans. alsdkfjasd;fl; this all. Supposed to defend little things that can't defend themselves and, yet, I fail. I can't be trusted to do things right.
I don't know why the hell I can't set my priorities straight. My brother found it later. "Me and Bryan were supposed to watch over that bird and let it go when it could fly. We fed it yogurt today." I seriously kill everyone's plans. alsdkfjasd;fl; this all. Supposed to defend little things that can't defend themselves and, yet, I fail. I can't be trusted to do things right.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Why hello
I haven't run in so long that I can't even run two miles without feeling nauseous. Oh well. I should have paced a little more.
The sound of running dogs scares me. There was this group of people sitting around in a circle playing duck duck goose or something. Some guy got up to run, he must have had keys in his pocket. So the keys are jangling away and I almost ran myself off the sidewalk because it sounded like a huge dog with a chain link leash bouncing after it. I don't really care what dog it is. These two little pomeranian fluff things started pelting after me on this street once and really, a few feet further, I would have climbed up the nearest tree. If that's even possible. It's not that I don't like dogs. The sound is just a bit startling.
Other things.
They posted another article today about a negligence case. A father refused to seek medical care for his diabetic daughter and, instead, resorted to praying. Charged of second degree homicide. It's not my place to question people's beliefs, but I don't think the girl's father listened well enough. Yes, I think that prayer is healing. But it's our tendency to pray and to wait. And practically turn off our senses while we anticipate the answer. But who says miracles come in wrapped packages? Who says an angel will come before us and say, your daughter has been healed? We are sent little miracles and healing touches from God everyday but we're blind to that, because we're expecting something else. Something magnificently handed to us. Yes, we are blessed, but no one can control what we do with those blessings but ourselves. Maybe sometimes, we're prone to looking for an answer way way past the horizon when it's sitting right before our eyes. We're prone to wait and wait and wait, when our prayers have already been answered.
I think I kind of give up trying to spend time with friends, for now. Don't really know, it's like water on floorboards. I can't really integrate myself into a group, it's just difficult. It's like watching a fishbowl. Quite simply, I'm just watching. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything. There or not, it doesn't make much of a difference. Hard to explain. No blame here, though, but for myself. My fault for pushing people away in the first place..
Something I'd love to do sometime. To walk under a blanket of stars on a summer night, put my worries aside for a moment. That would be absolutely splendid.
I think.. I have a lot of things I want to do and accomplish. But some things aren't meant to have schedules. I might have to regulate my work and such, to make sure I finish it. Yet, in other aspects, the thought of planning out my life makes me outright depressed. I do not really want to live life on the edge. But, occasionally, some freedom is nice. It's kind of awkward to me.. when I overhear young people planning out when they're going to get married, etc. Are these things ever planned? Or do they just happen?
Oh, and wouldn't it be lovely, to learn how to dance?
The sound of running dogs scares me. There was this group of people sitting around in a circle playing duck duck goose or something. Some guy got up to run, he must have had keys in his pocket. So the keys are jangling away and I almost ran myself off the sidewalk because it sounded like a huge dog with a chain link leash bouncing after it. I don't really care what dog it is. These two little pomeranian fluff things started pelting after me on this street once and really, a few feet further, I would have climbed up the nearest tree. If that's even possible. It's not that I don't like dogs. The sound is just a bit startling.
Other things.
They posted another article today about a negligence case. A father refused to seek medical care for his diabetic daughter and, instead, resorted to praying. Charged of second degree homicide. It's not my place to question people's beliefs, but I don't think the girl's father listened well enough. Yes, I think that prayer is healing. But it's our tendency to pray and to wait. And practically turn off our senses while we anticipate the answer. But who says miracles come in wrapped packages? Who says an angel will come before us and say, your daughter has been healed? We are sent little miracles and healing touches from God everyday but we're blind to that, because we're expecting something else. Something magnificently handed to us. Yes, we are blessed, but no one can control what we do with those blessings but ourselves. Maybe sometimes, we're prone to looking for an answer way way past the horizon when it's sitting right before our eyes. We're prone to wait and wait and wait, when our prayers have already been answered.
I think I kind of give up trying to spend time with friends, for now. Don't really know, it's like water on floorboards. I can't really integrate myself into a group, it's just difficult. It's like watching a fishbowl. Quite simply, I'm just watching. I don't feel like I'm a part of anything. There or not, it doesn't make much of a difference. Hard to explain. No blame here, though, but for myself. My fault for pushing people away in the first place..
Something I'd love to do sometime. To walk under a blanket of stars on a summer night, put my worries aside for a moment. That would be absolutely splendid.
I think.. I have a lot of things I want to do and accomplish. But some things aren't meant to have schedules. I might have to regulate my work and such, to make sure I finish it. Yet, in other aspects, the thought of planning out my life makes me outright depressed. I do not really want to live life on the edge. But, occasionally, some freedom is nice. It's kind of awkward to me.. when I overhear young people planning out when they're going to get married, etc. Are these things ever planned? Or do they just happen?
Oh, and wouldn't it be lovely, to learn how to dance?
"And if I'm flying solo,
At least I'm flying free.
To those who'd ground me,
Take a message back from me..."
-Defying Gravity, Wicked
Friday, July 31, 2009
Don't
I don't deserve a lot of things in life. Simple as that, I just don't. But why are these things given me when I've done nothing in return? Better yet, I shouldn't say things. Sure, physical needs and security are prerequisites to self-actualization, so says Maslow's hierarchy. Yet, I disagree with that concept on some levels (though my analysis of the concept itself may be a misunderstanding.. forgive me for that). Physical needs. My parents always stress that you can't live without health, without it you're just a machine gone berserk. You won't last long.
But here's where I disagree. Yes, you can't live if you don't have health. But I can't see physical needs as the only foundation you have to build this so-called self-actualization. It's not the bottom layer, because it, too, falls.. and not just under its own faults. I don't think it's right to weigh emotional needs per physical needs. Neither can exist without the other, not for long anyway. Honestly, we need to love and be loved as much as we need food and water. Both assuage hunger but different types of hunger. We can't get the proper nutrients by only indulging in one. Empty stomach or empty heart? You'll never feel full.
End-
And here is where the randomosity ensues. The usual string of thoughts having no relevance to one another whatsoever.
A few more lines to go until finish. Post once revised.
There isn't any reason to go looking for someone to listen to you.
My dog has been so well-behaved compared to usual. I'm considering and it might work.
I supposedly took the pillow and stared at it in the middle of the night. Odd.
Night before, I had rather strange dreams. I was in a car at the end of the street. Street lights burnt out, perhaps. It appeared rather dark. There were these people standing there, they started throwing rocks and threats and foul words. Something along those lines. Then, on a road in the middle of nowhere. Nothing like the rural countryside and pastel colors and picket fences. The colors were dark, like it came out of an oil painting. Vivid and dark mountainside and farms, thunder lurking, slightest hint of inclement weather. It didn't scream out at you, persay, but just hung there in humid air. And there came a man riding an irish wolfhound. Just out of the blue.
How come, out of all the dreams I dream, I only remember the weird ones?
Okay. I'll be waking before midday tomorrow, hopefully. If early enough, to go to lab. Or, otherwise, to finish the last few lines. I really don't know where to end it though. Not yet. We'll see.
But here's where I disagree. Yes, you can't live if you don't have health. But I can't see physical needs as the only foundation you have to build this so-called self-actualization. It's not the bottom layer, because it, too, falls.. and not just under its own faults. I don't think it's right to weigh emotional needs per physical needs. Neither can exist without the other, not for long anyway. Honestly, we need to love and be loved as much as we need food and water. Both assuage hunger but different types of hunger. We can't get the proper nutrients by only indulging in one. Empty stomach or empty heart? You'll never feel full.
End-
And here is where the randomosity ensues. The usual string of thoughts having no relevance to one another whatsoever.
A few more lines to go until finish. Post once revised.
There isn't any reason to go looking for someone to listen to you.
My dog has been so well-behaved compared to usual. I'm considering and it might work.
I supposedly took the pillow and stared at it in the middle of the night. Odd.
Night before, I had rather strange dreams. I was in a car at the end of the street. Street lights burnt out, perhaps. It appeared rather dark. There were these people standing there, they started throwing rocks and threats and foul words. Something along those lines. Then, on a road in the middle of nowhere. Nothing like the rural countryside and pastel colors and picket fences. The colors were dark, like it came out of an oil painting. Vivid and dark mountainside and farms, thunder lurking, slightest hint of inclement weather. It didn't scream out at you, persay, but just hung there in humid air. And there came a man riding an irish wolfhound. Just out of the blue.
How come, out of all the dreams I dream, I only remember the weird ones?
Okay. I'll be waking before midday tomorrow, hopefully. If early enough, to go to lab. Or, otherwise, to finish the last few lines. I really don't know where to end it though. Not yet. We'll see.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Okay
I'm trying to say I'm doing all right. And perhaps I shall be, eventually. The faith of a mustard seed. The courage to let go. The trust to step from your comfort and into an ocean of worlds you don't even know. Maybe I'll be holding on all right.
I still feel like I'm falling off my feet. I just don't want the past year of my life replaying, I don't want to go through it all again. Those years you've lived through so quickly, never once thinking twice, can never be replaced once they're gone. And I'm still realizing that every waking moment and every second I'm alive. When you're dealt with the spontaneity of life, these arbitrary things that trascend any understanding, it makes me think I'm not cut out to get through this all. One day, you've got a hold on reality and the next, you realize you can't wake up from this nightmare.. because it's life. And sometimes, we're just so torn up on the inside that it's hard to even stand. But I'm holding on, one way or another. Being weak ain't going to help the healing. Because pain doesn't just disappear, but it doesn't just stay in one place either. We'll see which way it goes.
I still feel like I'm falling off my feet. I just don't want the past year of my life replaying, I don't want to go through it all again. Those years you've lived through so quickly, never once thinking twice, can never be replaced once they're gone. And I'm still realizing that every waking moment and every second I'm alive. When you're dealt with the spontaneity of life, these arbitrary things that trascend any understanding, it makes me think I'm not cut out to get through this all. One day, you've got a hold on reality and the next, you realize you can't wake up from this nightmare.. because it's life. And sometimes, we're just so torn up on the inside that it's hard to even stand. But I'm holding on, one way or another. Being weak ain't going to help the healing. Because pain doesn't just disappear, but it doesn't just stay in one place either. We'll see which way it goes.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
-The Motions, Matthew West
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Uncertain
I'm not sure that I'm satisfied with the person I've become. I feel as though time is running short.. and I'm not running fast enough.
It makes me rather uncomfortable when a person watches me over my shoulder as I work. I'm no New York street artist who can perform fluently, even with looming crowds about. Time is that daunting figure. I can't move, but I can't stop. I feel like I'm trapped in between with nowhere to go. I'll never finish what I need to, I'll never be able to completely say what I intend, I'll just never be. I'm always running out of time, and soon enough, that looming figure will get tired of me lagging and kick me right in the back.
And I just won't know what to do anymore.
It makes me rather uncomfortable when a person watches me over my shoulder as I work. I'm no New York street artist who can perform fluently, even with looming crowds about. Time is that daunting figure. I can't move, but I can't stop. I feel like I'm trapped in between with nowhere to go. I'll never finish what I need to, I'll never be able to completely say what I intend, I'll just never be. I'm always running out of time, and soon enough, that looming figure will get tired of me lagging and kick me right in the back.
And I just won't know what to do anymore.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Illogicality
Sometimes, my illogicalities are strange. Beforehand, I might have indeed considered something illogical. But then, when I'm faced with it, it's kind of different. As unreasonable as it is, I've found myself so inclined to touch water to see how hot it is, when it's in the process of boiling. People should know overdosing is not good. But when I'm five months behind on medication, what if I just took another? Don't worry, I'm not going to kill my liver like that though.
Anyway, I slept for a while in the afternoon today, despite the heat. I had really strange dreams again. It was sometime in the evening when there was this storm, a rather serious one. The noise was terrifying and the wind raging through every window and door could literally sweep you off your feet. So I ran around closing every opening to the house. Went outside after it stopped later, it was rather dark at night. This segment of the dream.. I feel like I've had before. It was raining. As soon as I stepped outside, my neighbors' dog runs up to me and starts jumping in circles around me. Scary as heck, because I'm afraid of being bitten. Not in my dream, my neighbors actually have a little white dog. I don't know how it managed to become a dog that is taller than me when it stands up on its two back paws. Anyway, this hand comes out and beckons the dog from my neighbors' garage door and it immediately gives up its relentless jumping. At the end of the culdesac, there's this other man playing with a stubby brown and white dog. I don't remember the name of the breed. This dream is oddly familiar. Like the one about the crosses, I feel like I've had it before.
Not much to say other than that. I don't put so much effort into friendship anymore, I just realized that. My relationships almost always end up strained. Mostly at my fault. I'm one of those people that you just either get annoyed with or bored of rather quickly. My family can deal with that easily. They're used to it. Other people can't. Since I'm one of those Americans who isn't very good at making the distinction between humans and animals, my dogs are very much like my friends. I guess that's good.
Anyway, I slept for a while in the afternoon today, despite the heat. I had really strange dreams again. It was sometime in the evening when there was this storm, a rather serious one. The noise was terrifying and the wind raging through every window and door could literally sweep you off your feet. So I ran around closing every opening to the house. Went outside after it stopped later, it was rather dark at night. This segment of the dream.. I feel like I've had before. It was raining. As soon as I stepped outside, my neighbors' dog runs up to me and starts jumping in circles around me. Scary as heck, because I'm afraid of being bitten. Not in my dream, my neighbors actually have a little white dog. I don't know how it managed to become a dog that is taller than me when it stands up on its two back paws. Anyway, this hand comes out and beckons the dog from my neighbors' garage door and it immediately gives up its relentless jumping. At the end of the culdesac, there's this other man playing with a stubby brown and white dog. I don't remember the name of the breed. This dream is oddly familiar. Like the one about the crosses, I feel like I've had it before.
Not much to say other than that. I don't put so much effort into friendship anymore, I just realized that. My relationships almost always end up strained. Mostly at my fault. I'm one of those people that you just either get annoyed with or bored of rather quickly. My family can deal with that easily. They're used to it. Other people can't. Since I'm one of those Americans who isn't very good at making the distinction between humans and animals, my dogs are very much like my friends. I guess that's good.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Chills
I'm rather emotionless. I'm the person that never gets chills or never cries when something of sentimental value, unrelated or at least undirectly related to my personal life, occurs. I know, I'm cold. Lately, though, I've been getting the chills more often than not. Performances, just seeing amazing people. It's strange for once.
"What? How come I don't get to go?" I don't understand what it is with my brother, what's so fascinating about going to a hospital? I hate hospitals. Hate the environment, with what I've seen. Not the fact that they are necessary as safeguards for health, but just the atmosphere and the feeling you get from being there. It's rather unsettling.
Constant worry, one after another. Is getting sick an unspoken trend nowadays?
My dreams have been quite strange. I think there was one where I and a number of other people had to gather white crosses.. from somewhere. And travel over mountainous terrain to plant them in the ground.. elsewhere. I don't remember much about that one. Yesterday night was frightening, though. I think I was trying to drive to a hospital somewhere. When I finally got there, the facade of the building just stared me down. It was at an intersection. Then, this blood curdling scream just erupted out of nowhere. People were running out of the hospital, carrying their ill family members. Just screaming, screaming. Absolutely terrible feeling..
Out of the typical be grateful for life thing, I don't really have much good news today. Everything is quite muddled in my thoughts right now.
I'm so confused as to what I think. I don't know myself very well. I don't know anything else very well, for that matter. I'm unfaithful and insecure.. and just so out of place. I've been told, "if you want to think like that, then you don't deserve to be a Christian." I don't like labels like that, but is any sinning human being (that was rather redundant) deserving? I don't know. The fact is, I've got a hard time trusting.. that as hateful as the world is, there's someone that's still willing to love me no matter what. That there's someone who doesn't care who I've been.. who doesn't judge based on first impressions. With whom, there are no first impressions, because there's purity by His touch. Where there's someone who's willing to embrace you when you're ragged and torn and turn tears of sorrow into tears of joy. People so often judge based on what they see of you because they can't turn you inside out. Why should we be loved so much anyway?
"What? How come I don't get to go?" I don't understand what it is with my brother, what's so fascinating about going to a hospital? I hate hospitals. Hate the environment, with what I've seen. Not the fact that they are necessary as safeguards for health, but just the atmosphere and the feeling you get from being there. It's rather unsettling.
Constant worry, one after another. Is getting sick an unspoken trend nowadays?
My dreams have been quite strange. I think there was one where I and a number of other people had to gather white crosses.. from somewhere. And travel over mountainous terrain to plant them in the ground.. elsewhere. I don't remember much about that one. Yesterday night was frightening, though. I think I was trying to drive to a hospital somewhere. When I finally got there, the facade of the building just stared me down. It was at an intersection. Then, this blood curdling scream just erupted out of nowhere. People were running out of the hospital, carrying their ill family members. Just screaming, screaming. Absolutely terrible feeling..
Out of the typical be grateful for life thing, I don't really have much good news today. Everything is quite muddled in my thoughts right now.
I'm so confused as to what I think. I don't know myself very well. I don't know anything else very well, for that matter. I'm unfaithful and insecure.. and just so out of place. I've been told, "if you want to think like that, then you don't deserve to be a Christian." I don't like labels like that, but is any sinning human being (that was rather redundant) deserving? I don't know. The fact is, I've got a hard time trusting.. that as hateful as the world is, there's someone that's still willing to love me no matter what. That there's someone who doesn't care who I've been.. who doesn't judge based on first impressions. With whom, there are no first impressions, because there's purity by His touch. Where there's someone who's willing to embrace you when you're ragged and torn and turn tears of sorrow into tears of joy. People so often judge based on what they see of you because they can't turn you inside out. Why should we be loved so much anyway?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sense
My life doesn't make any sense to me. Everything just passes by so quickly. Turn around for a moment, look back, and so so much is gone. Just gone. And you never realized it.
When we were younger, my sisters and I liked to play this joke, so to speak. We played hide and seek in the pool. I have no idea how. Go figure. One person would close their eyes and count. Meanwhile, the others would just run off, back inside the house. The one counting, of course, would turn around and no one would be there. You're just alone.
That's how it is right now. I've closed my eyes for a moment and realize I've been sleeping for too long. So much that it's difficult to accept that what's happened now, is what's going to be. I've got no control. And now that I look back, I'm just a whole lot of emptiness. A whole lot of sorrow. Sometimes, I can't believe how ungrateful I can be. But I just don't know what to turn to anymore.
There's nowhere to run.
It's just painful to think.. when someone you love just vanishes from your life. Just like that. When once someone would run after you when you turned away, when you run away now, you'd find yourself alone. Conversing with your own uncertainties and pouring salt into your own wounds.
It's not that I expect anybody to talk to me. That'd be asking for too much. I've got no responsibility or right to request that somebody help me with my burdens. I guess I can only ask that I'm guided with wisdom as to what to do, really.
I've just messed things up a bit for myself. Time and time again, I've been told, live in the day. Enjoy every moment. Acknowledge every breath. But easier said than done.
Every day I wake up, I ask myself, what am I doing? What is my impact? And I've got no answer, to be honest with you. I'm just waiting.. for I don't know what. Because I don't know where to search anymore.
When we were younger, my sisters and I liked to play this joke, so to speak. We played hide and seek in the pool. I have no idea how. Go figure. One person would close their eyes and count. Meanwhile, the others would just run off, back inside the house. The one counting, of course, would turn around and no one would be there. You're just alone.
That's how it is right now. I've closed my eyes for a moment and realize I've been sleeping for too long. So much that it's difficult to accept that what's happened now, is what's going to be. I've got no control. And now that I look back, I'm just a whole lot of emptiness. A whole lot of sorrow. Sometimes, I can't believe how ungrateful I can be. But I just don't know what to turn to anymore.
There's nowhere to run.
It's just painful to think.. when someone you love just vanishes from your life. Just like that. When once someone would run after you when you turned away, when you run away now, you'd find yourself alone. Conversing with your own uncertainties and pouring salt into your own wounds.
It's not that I expect anybody to talk to me. That'd be asking for too much. I've got no responsibility or right to request that somebody help me with my burdens. I guess I can only ask that I'm guided with wisdom as to what to do, really.
I've just messed things up a bit for myself. Time and time again, I've been told, live in the day. Enjoy every moment. Acknowledge every breath. But easier said than done.
Every day I wake up, I ask myself, what am I doing? What is my impact? And I've got no answer, to be honest with you. I'm just waiting.. for I don't know what. Because I don't know where to search anymore.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Saturday
I'm the kind of girl that, instead of spending Saturday night out, spends it making a board game with her brother because he's in the "board games are the best" kind of mindset. I guess that either makes me a girl who wants the carefree days again or a sister. Oh, doesn't it feel so darn good to spend some time with a younger person in the family.
I smell like chlorine.
Last night I listened to a podcast on lucid dreaming. I had really weird dreams, though none necessarily where I was in control. Learned about Aristotle and van Eeden. Tibetan monks.
And Tibet and China and the bordering region consisting of Muslim populations. Also, Sotamayo and the Democrats. Ayatollah Khameini, I thought they were saying "harmony." And I got confused, until I realized they mentioned something about Iran's supreme leader. Then, I thought, oh. The five European countries and the pipeline accord. Kremlin is Russia. Control of oil in the East and indications of insecurity. Robert Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai. Those names are hard to spell. I though they were spelled differently until I searched online to clarify who they were. Zimbabwe. Average lifespan of a man in Zimbabwe is mid-thirites? And the unrest in Xinjang (I think that's the name). I don't understand, though, why they're allowing foreign people to report on the incidents in the area, when they've cut off the local region's internet access? Fear of native populations.. organizing something anti-government? Hm.
I smell like chlorine.
Last night I listened to a podcast on lucid dreaming. I had really weird dreams, though none necessarily where I was in control. Learned about Aristotle and van Eeden. Tibetan monks.
And Tibet and China and the bordering region consisting of Muslim populations. Also, Sotamayo and the Democrats. Ayatollah Khameini, I thought they were saying "harmony." And I got confused, until I realized they mentioned something about Iran's supreme leader. Then, I thought, oh. The five European countries and the pipeline accord. Kremlin is Russia. Control of oil in the East and indications of insecurity. Robert Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai. Those names are hard to spell. I though they were spelled differently until I searched online to clarify who they were. Zimbabwe. Average lifespan of a man in Zimbabwe is mid-thirites? And the unrest in Xinjang (I think that's the name). I don't understand, though, why they're allowing foreign people to report on the incidents in the area, when they've cut off the local region's internet access? Fear of native populations.. organizing something anti-government? Hm.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Okay
9:50:39
9:55:04
My conversations, with people, don't last long. Oh well.
Don't bother with me. Not worth it. It's not people's fault, it's my fault. The way I feel about people is inconsistent. I am inconsistent. My tendencies oscillate. And I'm a fickle person. That's the way it is for the time being.
I'm reading the news now. And I'm listening to podcasts. I think I might be feeling better.
9:55:04
My conversations, with people, don't last long. Oh well.
Don't bother with me. Not worth it. It's not people's fault, it's my fault. The way I feel about people is inconsistent. I am inconsistent. My tendencies oscillate. And I'm a fickle person. That's the way it is for the time being.
I'm reading the news now. And I'm listening to podcasts. I think I might be feeling better.
Tired
I'm really tired of everything. I feel guilty letting myself relax because I don't deserve it. But I'm tired. Or am I? Yet, then again I've literally lost all self-discipline nowadays. I'm careless and I let myself off too easily.
And I need people to stop being nice to me out of pity. Or rather, doing anything out of pity. Call me proud, but it's not nice. It's annoying as hell.
I feel very distanced from people. It's a lack of connection. I don't know. I guess we could care less about each other. It wouldn't matter now.
I guess I've messed up my life in some ways or another. Don't know what to do. People are afraid of me..
I don't feel like swimming anymore. You know how it gets tiring to stand in the same place and not move anywhere. I'm not sure where to go anyway.
Feel the need to go running again.
A lot of lies lingering out in the open. Who's safe?
Need to start writing and researching.
An insightful conversation late at night. But there's no one to talk to.
Down and under.
People are avoiding me.. because I'm not very patient at this time. Not with people.
Need someone to care about. Volunteer? Deciding.
Searching for a purpose, a reason to live?
Some people need nothing to be happy. Some people need the world. What's the secret to happiness? Just be ourselves? What if I don't know who I am in the first place? What good is that?
Life's a torn up creature. Where'd the right limb go again? 'Cause it's all that's left. (hah! pun intended, but anyway..)
And I need people to stop being nice to me out of pity. Or rather, doing anything out of pity. Call me proud, but it's not nice. It's annoying as hell.
I feel very distanced from people. It's a lack of connection. I don't know. I guess we could care less about each other. It wouldn't matter now.
I guess I've messed up my life in some ways or another. Don't know what to do. People are afraid of me..
I don't feel like swimming anymore. You know how it gets tiring to stand in the same place and not move anywhere. I'm not sure where to go anyway.
Feel the need to go running again.
A lot of lies lingering out in the open. Who's safe?
Need to start writing and researching.
An insightful conversation late at night. But there's no one to talk to.
Down and under.
People are avoiding me.. because I'm not very patient at this time. Not with people.
Need someone to care about. Volunteer? Deciding.
Searching for a purpose, a reason to live?
Some people need nothing to be happy. Some people need the world. What's the secret to happiness? Just be ourselves? What if I don't know who I am in the first place? What good is that?
Life's a torn up creature. Where'd the right limb go again? 'Cause it's all that's left. (hah! pun intended, but anyway..)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Confused
I can't see why people can't calm the bloody hell down. I think it hurts more seeing people argue and not being able to do anything about it than being in the argument. What's with living day by day? What's with talking but also listening?
You see, all this is nonexistant. People talk, but they don't listen. I feel like the whole of me and what used to be is all disintegrating. Right now. And nothing can turn things right. I know, it could be worse. But it's all just so hectic and no one cares about anyone but themselves anymore.
I need time to sort things out. My life is a hell of a mess and I can't understand anything. Mired in a cacophonous clash of things I'd rather not deal with. But not run away from either. That'd be pathetic and cowardly, I don't disagree. Well. It's just problematic situations strewn all over. Sort of like I've been scrawling out the details in this illegible chicken-scratch handwriting. Now, I go back to read it and I can't decipher a word.
Just a bit torn. I feel nothing but tired. It's getting more and more difficult to get up in the morning. What's with all this Life's a Blessing? Maybe, but I can't recognize the blessing.
Freaking fail at life. I think the only thing I'm looking forward to this week is researching. Oh well.
You see, all this is nonexistant. People talk, but they don't listen. I feel like the whole of me and what used to be is all disintegrating. Right now. And nothing can turn things right. I know, it could be worse. But it's all just so hectic and no one cares about anyone but themselves anymore.
I need time to sort things out. My life is a hell of a mess and I can't understand anything. Mired in a cacophonous clash of things I'd rather not deal with. But not run away from either. That'd be pathetic and cowardly, I don't disagree. Well. It's just problematic situations strewn all over. Sort of like I've been scrawling out the details in this illegible chicken-scratch handwriting. Now, I go back to read it and I can't decipher a word.
Just a bit torn. I feel nothing but tired. It's getting more and more difficult to get up in the morning. What's with all this Life's a Blessing? Maybe, but I can't recognize the blessing.
Freaking fail at life. I think the only thing I'm looking forward to this week is researching. Oh well.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Carefree
I can't be. Everyday, I realize more and more how childhood is slipping through my fingers.. just like water. Just like sand.
I feel like I can't relax. I can't be patient. I can't enjoy the moment. It's like today. People can just "ooh" and "ahh" at the fireworks, lean close for the love and warmth of loved ones. But I can't stand anything. As soon as the fireworks begin, I'm just waiting for them to end. So I didn't go this year. I know I'd just think in my head, "When is this going to end?"
Not water on the rug. It's like water on the floorboards. I can't drink in the experience.
Oh, and you know, I've realized that the more people there are, the more you realize there's someone missing.
It's hard to live day by day.
Just to think of it, medicine can only heal you so much. What will heal your heart?
I feel like I can't relax. I can't be patient. I can't enjoy the moment. It's like today. People can just "ooh" and "ahh" at the fireworks, lean close for the love and warmth of loved ones. But I can't stand anything. As soon as the fireworks begin, I'm just waiting for them to end. So I didn't go this year. I know I'd just think in my head, "When is this going to end?"
Not water on the rug. It's like water on the floorboards. I can't drink in the experience.
Oh, and you know, I've realized that the more people there are, the more you realize there's someone missing.
It's hard to live day by day.
Just to think of it, medicine can only heal you so much. What will heal your heart?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
So now
I've always thought about going to different places. But that doesn't matter, does it? I'll be the same person regardless of where I am, at least in terms of happiness or whatnot. If I'm not happy here, what difference will it make if I'm elsewhere? People are never satisfied. Suppose, I'm no exception. I might as well stay where I am.
I like eating ice. I don't see how that's particularly strange. That was random.
"She told me not to tell you this, but she told me that you're so insecure in your religion." You should tell me something that I don't know. I don't think it's a bad thing to question your beliefs sometimes. And I'm very insecure, I'll tell you that. Things have happened where I've questioned the state of my existence and other things. Because I've had to. I've felt the need to. Do I actually have a purpose? Or am I just here to live and die? Am I dying every day or just preparing myself for life? Is there a heaven? I don't believe that I can become a stronger person by just sitting there and letting people and institutions feed me information. There's no single answer for everyone. And maybe some people are happy with that and it's fine for them, but somehow I'm driven to believe that there's not one person who hasn't questioned religion, faith, and the likes of it. We're all struggling after all.. to understand this great scheme of things called life.
Okay. I'm rambling now. I don't know what I'm saying.
So, I came home today and the first thing I see when I walk out to the backyard is this big box-like grill covered in this old plastic. It scared the heck out of me, I nearly fainted. It was eerie looking, if you catch my drift.
On the car ride home today, I was thinking. Excuse me for talking nonsense, but I think that people should wear colorful clothing for my funeral. I just wanted to say that. Black and white seems to make things more dreary. I guess it means respect for some people. But I think I'd like color. It might make my life seem less boring. Okay. Nevermind. I didn't really need to say all that. Sixteen is still young, I guess. I shouldn't be saying things like this. But I just thought I'd mention it. I was telling an older family member my requests. Usually, she'd shrug me off. Yet, I found it strange that this time she actually encouraged it. Which kind of bothered me.
Well then. Now, I'm really rambling. That was an inappropriate topic for a blog post. Oh well. I can see why I'm not a very interesting person to talk to. And even the people who say that they want someone to talk to push me away. I guess I need to dwell more on humorous and light topics. I'm not very good at making people laugh.
I like eating ice. I don't see how that's particularly strange. That was random.
"She told me not to tell you this, but she told me that you're so insecure in your religion." You should tell me something that I don't know. I don't think it's a bad thing to question your beliefs sometimes. And I'm very insecure, I'll tell you that. Things have happened where I've questioned the state of my existence and other things. Because I've had to. I've felt the need to. Do I actually have a purpose? Or am I just here to live and die? Am I dying every day or just preparing myself for life? Is there a heaven? I don't believe that I can become a stronger person by just sitting there and letting people and institutions feed me information. There's no single answer for everyone. And maybe some people are happy with that and it's fine for them, but somehow I'm driven to believe that there's not one person who hasn't questioned religion, faith, and the likes of it. We're all struggling after all.. to understand this great scheme of things called life.
Okay. I'm rambling now. I don't know what I'm saying.
So, I came home today and the first thing I see when I walk out to the backyard is this big box-like grill covered in this old plastic. It scared the heck out of me, I nearly fainted. It was eerie looking, if you catch my drift.
On the car ride home today, I was thinking. Excuse me for talking nonsense, but I think that people should wear colorful clothing for my funeral. I just wanted to say that. Black and white seems to make things more dreary. I guess it means respect for some people. But I think I'd like color. It might make my life seem less boring. Okay. Nevermind. I didn't really need to say all that. Sixteen is still young, I guess. I shouldn't be saying things like this. But I just thought I'd mention it. I was telling an older family member my requests. Usually, she'd shrug me off. Yet, I found it strange that this time she actually encouraged it. Which kind of bothered me.
Well then. Now, I'm really rambling. That was an inappropriate topic for a blog post. Oh well. I can see why I'm not a very interesting person to talk to. And even the people who say that they want someone to talk to push me away. I guess I need to dwell more on humorous and light topics. I'm not very good at making people laugh.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Peeved
Oh, I am annoyed. Maybe it's my fault for bad hearing. But, oh, it just annoys me when people say something and you don't hear them the first time, then they respond "nevermind" or "whatever" or "forget about it." Am I really expected to just forget it?
Nor do I appreciate a mouth full of swear words. I find it absolutely unnecessary to curse in between every word you say. Doesn't it take away from what you're trying to convey? To me it does. Maybe it's for emphasis, but why? It's offensive by some terms and I don't care who's saying it, it's just not necessary.
Nor do I appreciate a mouth full of swear words. I find it absolutely unnecessary to curse in between every word you say. Doesn't it take away from what you're trying to convey? To me it does. Maybe it's for emphasis, but why? It's offensive by some terms and I don't care who's saying it, it's just not necessary.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Hello
My blog is somewhere out there. It is hidden with my rambling thoughts and nonsensical ideas. In other words, it is a ninja. And it will hide from non-ninjas and anti-ninjas and pseudo-ninjas.
Okay. I just felt the urge to say that. My blog is invisible and hiding in the blogosphere. Can you find it? ;)
Okay. I just felt the urge to say that. My blog is invisible and hiding in the blogosphere. Can you find it? ;)
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